Leap, Fly, Sing

Sitting quietly
Silently pondering
on things of the Future,
Present
and Past.

Sorting through feelings,
Re-running memories,
Filing
and Feeling
and Thinking.
Of what?

Everything.
And Nothing.
This, and that. Here,
and Tomorrow.
Back and Then,

Over and over,
New once again.
Repeating,
Echoing,
Silent. Again...

I'm back where I sat.
Invisibly seen.
Quietly conscious of what
this Could mean.

Rhyming on some.
Telling on others.
Content and I Wonder.
Where does the time go?

I forget it's December.
I hear whisp'rings of Spring.
I want to go Running,
or Flying,
or sing.

Something. . .
Something.

Inside me it's Spring.


Love, Me.

A Personal Post, and "Trust in God."

Some personal thoughts from a friend today.

"Trust in God. Trust_in_God. Let Him be in charge, and direct my life.  He knows. He is the One who times life, allowing things to, and not to, work for our greatest good. Look back and see. See the change in our (my) life. See how things line up.

Let Him be in charge.  Let Him direct my paths.  Things will go better when I do. ;) I may not always get my answer today, tomorrow, or even next week. Sometimes it might even take a year. But it's all in good timing.

We will all experience temptation in our lives. That is a fact. We will want to give in to it. We must not. My strength will come from Not giving in, in standing up, and putting my trust in God.  How much stronger will I be, if I can put my trust always in the Lord."

"Trust in God."


From one of my favorite classes this week....

"YOU'VE got to believe." -Elder Holland

"God answers our prayers. He answers your prayers. So don't you Ever give up." -Elder Richardson

"It's important to learn your lessons on your own, before God has to teach them to you. Because when God has to teach you, it's not very fun." - President Eyring


To Trust in God doesn't mean that I will only have good days, never to feel sad or lonely again.  It is not to suddenly be perfect in all that I do.  It is not to be better than others.  It is to move, and act, to hope and trust, to love and learn, it is to try.  And with some trying comes success, others we view as failure.  But all in good time.  The Lord see's where we are, and where we are going and how to get there.  It is Faith.  The fire that is inside of our souls that pushes us with a desire to know and learn. The source of our strength, the well of which we draw from, the breath that gives us life.  It is faith, love, truth, hope, learning, serving, acting... It is knowledge that we are not alone in this world, and that there is someone out there, with us, helping us as we search for Him.

We don't know everything.  I won't understand everything, and I will struggle and squirm, and try to understand.  Like my friend said, "He [the Lord] fills the void that is in our lives, and makes us better than we ever could become alone."  And for that blessing, I am grateful.  And through the good and the hard days, I will always,

Always,

Trust in God.

Love, Me.

I Wonder...

...What life will be like in another year or two?

...what life would be like if I'd kept with dance and drama in middle school and high school?

...if I will ever have a solo/stage voice like I want?

...How many of my posts will begin with or concern "Wondering"...

...What the world would be like if they held the Spirit of Christmas all year round?

...if all of my dreams will come true?

...What my dreams will be in a few years?

...How I can hold love and hurt and peace and joy and mystery all at once.

...if my arms and hands will ever be strong enough again...

...I Wonder.

That is all.

Love, Me.

The Answer is Within You

I don't know what I'm doing on here, but I just wanted to post something.

You know where you are right now? Remember where you were a year ago? Two years ago? Can you gague the difference? Can you see the growth you've had? Are you static, or dynamic? Where will you be in a year, let alone a month?

Think a moment.  Are you taller? Shorter? Lighter or heavier? Are you still struggling with the same things, or have you been able to move on and grow?

When faced with a mirror, can you look yourself in the eye?  Do you see those lines of wisdom added? The times of worry and strife?  Can you see where you are going, and the amazing places you can go?

I can.

I can see this in you.  I can tell it to you.  I can do my best to show it to you.  But until you look for yourself, it will go unnoticed by the very one it concerns.

You cannot change unless it is the sole thing that you want.

The answer is within in you.

Love, Me.

You are Greater than a Sparrow

Recent events have led me to leave my homework, and ponder as I try to sort out my thoughts. Please forgive me as I share some experiences.

Life is interesting. Lift is loving. Life is hard. How can anyone possibly hope to get through life without friends, family, and the gospel?

A couple of days ago I went to visit with a close friend who was recently in an accident. She has a severely broken knee and ankle, and a shattered wrist. As I was sitting there, listening to her as I rubbed her aching skin and muscles with lotion, I could feel her exhaustion coming through with every word and breath she took.  I became again grateful for the use of my legs for everyday activity, and my arms, even though Carpal Tunnel is creeping back in at alarming rates.

That leads me to think more- the other day I was buying some groceries for my mom at Maceys in Provo. Two gallons of milk, and some sour cream. After mastering the self-checkout (yes!), I figured I could just take them out to my car in the hand basket thing I'd got them in.  So I was loading my car with these groceries, and a woman I've never met before approaches me, and asks if I could give her a ride to DI across the street where her car is parked.  She didn't seem like a threat to me, and I figured since I had time that I could, and said yes. She remarked several times during that ride that I was "one of the greenest persons she knew", because I didn't use plastic bags. I remarked that I really didn't have to use them; there were so few groceries, and she still said I was still one of the most economic people she'd met.  I wasn't sure if that was really true, but I thought I'd just smile and leave it alone.  I was comfortable to just listen to her talk, and she seemed to like talking herself, and told me about her daughter and how proud she was of her, and thanked me repeatedly for the ride, saying how the world has seemed to become more closed. She told me how even her daughter, who was once happy and bright towards everyone when she was younger was now becoming more reserved.  She contemplated on how the world is becoming so different, to which I probably murmured some sort of positive response as I tried not to jostle us too much on the road bumps, and thought about how much I'd really like to go around the bumps, and how I didn't like parking lots.  While she was talking, I did a lot of thinking. About what she was saying, and reflected on the world I grew up that has evolved into the one I'm currently living in.  I dropped her off, and after waiting to make sure her car started, drove home up State Street. 

I did a lot of thinking on that trip home.  About that whole experience.  I mean, I'd just given a complete stranger a ride in my car.  And my thoughts on the way home revolved upon that, and how I'd considered her at first as not a threat, and how I'd come to that conclusion in a two-second glance.  I suppose it was my judgment, that she wouldn't hurt me, and...something.  Something told me it would be okay. As she was talking and mentioned her daughter attending Institute and wanting to attend BYU, I suspected she was LDS, although never asked.  Not that it should have made a difference.  Anyhow. There's my experience that I'm not sure should be brought across as a "Good Samaritan", because...I don't know why.

I read three books over the weekend. Different plots, different writers.  None of them terribly thick material, although sometimes it became deep in emotion.  But one in particular is coming to mind, by Anita Stansfield called By Love and Grace.  I'm not going to explain it because it's not pertinent right now.  But it was really, really sad.  Made my heart ache, and caused me to think.  About my reactions, and people's approaches, and life.  That was backwards, I know, forgive me.  Dan Yates wrote Call me Angel which was humerous but made me wish it was more openly LDS.  Also made me think.  The last one, Saving Kristen by Jack Weyland made me reflect on my life, circumstances and career choice.

These books prepared me, but I didn't know how much or quickly they would.  My friends told me things about their lives today, and without losing their confidences, has made me grateful for the things I have, and caused my heart to sorrow.  Sigh. So this is me telling someone about it, without saying anything.

For those who are hurting, I can't tell you enough how sorry I am.  Thank you for sharing.  ...You've led me to think. I'm praying for you.

You know that scripture about how God knows when a sparrow falls? Something so small and common, and yet He is aware of every feeling and fleeting moment in its life. He hears the tiny song it sings, whether impressive or quite common and ordinary.  Though it may not feel particularily special in any way, He loves that sparrow and cares for it in a way only He can.  You, His child, are so incredibly precious to Him; would He not also have great desires about you and your life? Would He perhaps be there, every step of the way, whether you knew it or not?  Caring for you, rejoicing in your triumphs and joys, mourning with your sorrows.  I believe so...for you are greater than a sparrow.

Love, Me.

Music. No, really, MUSIC.

One day I hope to make a music video like this.

Or like this:

Although I don't play cello, so piano and dancing may have to suffice. I'm fine with that. ;)

This one brings me peace:

All three of these help me do my homework and keep my sanity.

I hear songs like these and think, "I can play that. I just need sheet music...."



'Course, my mind is blown for several minutes listening to it. ;)

Others, like this one, make me smile and glad to be here:



Jon Schmidt, Steven Sharp Nelson, and Piano Guys...

...you are my hero's.

Just one more item for my bucket list. Hoo-rah.  ;)

Love, Me.

Wonders

School started this week. It's been good, albiet long and tiring, and often leaving me burning whatever few calories I'm able to consume in between class. But still, it's enjoyable, and in a strange way, I'm glad to be back. I've been reading, and studying, and reading some more, trying to keep up and get a head start on the looming midterms and eventual finals. Trying to remember.

Sometimes I wonder what allows us to remember.  I know I've studied about the brain in Psychology, and learned about the hippocampus, the ear canal and other contributing factors to the memory storage in our brains. But something I can take weeks to study somehow gets...left behind, in a way, by the random, "nearly unimportant" parts of life that I can recall in an instant.  Like a fact, a name, an instance.

Back to the beginning of last paragraph. What allows us to remember? A personal desire, wish, connection to the subject?  I can reflect and recall names, instances, smells, scenery...nearly recreating an entire experience in my mind, verbatim with what happened.  Easily.  We all have things that trigger a chain-reaction, such as a smell (it's incredibly amazing how intense a reaction I have to some), a phrase, a look, a place, a name...you get the picture.  And yet there are some things, some experiences that we all try to block out and erase because we regret them in some way. 

So there must be a part of the personal will involved here. 

Perhaps this is too deep for tonight. Perhaps it's just me trying to unwind from a level of intense and critical thinking. (Not to say that I successfully maintained that level today, although my language may dictate otherwise...) Perhaps it's a fond memory in itself, when I think of someone, and a whole list of memories comes rushing back, and a part of me wishes for that time, and yet another part has already moved on, and is waiting with a smile for me to keep walking.  I suppose I'll always keep walking, in a way.  It's in my heritage.  Some part of that Stubborn-King-Streak that's in me. Which I believe, along with other things, is what kept me alive this time six years ago.  Wow.  That is another story for another day, although if you're curious, go back a year on this blog and you'll understand better.  Not perfectly.  But.  Better.

You know that song by Anna Nalick, "Breathe (2AM)"? She has a line in her song that says how "life's like an hourglass glued to the table".....And that in itself is just one of an entire crew of thoughts and memories that came up. About change. About life. About songs, and music, and love, and finding out who you are and who you want to be, in the midst of chaos.  I suppose I've been one who is curious, and about things that people say who's logic makes complete sense in my mind. With the hourglass- "yes, it may be glued to the table. But...the table's not glued to the floor, is it?"  And I'd have this image of a wooden table on it's flip side.  Point?  Memories, and thoughts and imagination can create the greatest magic and wonder inside of us than the world could ever imagine.  My points may not make complete sense to you now, tomorrow, or ever. But for me...

...I'm left with proof that a magic of sorts exists. 11:11.

Truly, though, isn't that what thoughts and memories are?  Magic.

Lemme know what you think.

Love, Me.