Today's Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for many things, too many to mention here, but just so you know, I am grateful. For health, growth, learning, and a chance to better every aspect of our lives, and more.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. :)
It is also now "Grey Thursday", as some stores have opened early for their "Black Friday" sales. Which I think is ridiculous. I feel like the sacredness of this holiday is being stripped off and thrown away like a lot of other things lately - family, religion, and such. The boundaries and guidelines that once held us together are being loosened and overlooked, so the meaning and safety that was inside is let go as well. I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, I'm just wondering how much and what we change is good?
This thought process is held in close with another thought I have. I had a conversation a week ago where I was discussing various aspects of my life, and a very good friend and mentor told me (with slight hesitation) that I was competitive. I kind of laughed and wanted to disagree (which would have proved their point), because I didn't feel like I was. I simply was tired of the current circumstances, was tired of always sitting back, and wanted to.....oh. Right. I can see how that's competing. But, kindly they said, "If you weren't competitive you wouldn't be so good at piano and organ", and I was very gracious and thankful for them for that. For noticing, and taking the consideration to point out a characteristic that I have, potentially positive or negative, and applying it positively to my life. I appreciate that. As I've been thinking lately they are, of course, quite right. Being competitive was reaffirmed when I went to my brother's piano recital where he and his duet partner "competed" for a superior rating on their songs. And I missed it. Oh so bad. I wanted to re-experience that nerve-wracking rush knowing that you have a song to perform that you've been working on for sometimes months, and you know you're good at it and want to impress the judges. Impress. That's another word that I think applies to me. I always want to impress. Impress --> linked with Compete.
Though constantly one-upping someone isn't so good, I think that competitiveness is important in life. It keeps us moving and progressing, and helps us to realize our strengths and weaknesses. If I wasn't competitive in music, I wouldn't have pushed myself to practice to be where I am today. Again, not to say that I'm perfect, or trying to sound stuck up, but as a humble fact, I am quite good at playing the piano. 14 years, countless hours and songs later, I love picking up a book and playing through the songs, or learning a new one, or simply sitting down and playing. I couldn't have done that without a drive, or goal.
Thinking back to what was said a week ago connects with the past few weeks. I've been trying to consider myself and who I am, what I am, and why. Generally I think I come off as quiet, I've been told (which slightly irks me) that I sometimes seem nervous, and that I am a bit of a goody-good. Though each has their moment, I'm still trying to decide which are "really" me.
Ever seen a crystal, or a cube or shape, or anything multi-faceted? I think that's me. I am quiet but vibrant, shy but outgoing, a listener but also speaker, humble but stubborn, enjoy long hair but love it short, independent but still very co-dependent. It's a bit frustrating being so opposite of myself sometimes. I haven't tended to be one to talk about myself usually, but more one to listen, except for this blog and when I feel like I'm going to bubble over if I don't share what's on my mind. In an effort to be a pleaser, I tend to reflect who people are and want to see, and yet, in that process become just a multi-faceted mirror, hiding who the person is on the inside. That makes it hard for relationships, because I wonder how often I have truly been myself, and not just "myself with you".
Contrasting myself with others, some certain and others just general, I've come to realize a few things about myself. This has been in conjunction of trying to decide if, and to what degree I am competitive.
Realization #1- I am very competitive. I've been trying since day one to do things ahead of my time. Overachieving, rubbing up, stretching, shining, all in an effort to be realized not just for the accomplishments, but the effort taken to get there. To show that I was someone special and amazing. <-- plausible flaw #1
Realization #2- I hate rules. Going along with the first thought, I think I like to step out of what is dictated as "normal" and set my own bounds. In this sense, I absolutely don't like being told what to do, or being restricted in what I can do. I like my freedom. If my freedom means following the norm of society, then it can be seen as following the rules. But sometimes I want to dance instead of walk, to sing instead of talk, and just be me. I want to do things just because I can. Even if it means making mistakes. Yes, I want things to do, and goals to reach, and parameters to keep me and everyone else safe. I can appreciate the necessity for rules. Yes, I do greatly appreciate thoughts and considerations that help to grow or direct me, like someone saying to be brighter when I sing, or that I'm competitive. But if it "hampers my style"....I'm going to be skeptical to accept it. <-- plausible flaw #2
Realization #3- I am a relying independent. Let me explain. I usually take after myself. I typically work by myself, get places and do things alone, and rarely find myself able to share personal feelings or emotions with others because I'm used to standing alone. At the same time, I am stuck. Currently waiting for my new job to start, and as such have no income. It cramps a lot of things, not having money. And while I am typically a solo- I still need others to stay sane, to take care of, and when I do create an attachment that gets broken, it's often hard to let go of. Just go back to being yourself, Jen. You know how. But you don't want to. While I can do a lot of things for myself, I know there's a lot to go before I am completely able to take care of myself. <-- plausible flaw #3
Realization #4- I am an adapter. Something comes along, like a friend, circumstance, etc., and I adapt to life with it. That things leaves, and I adapt to life without it. It's a survival skill that keeps me going, but I wonder how attached I get to things sometimes. Though I don't typically utilize it, I have the ability to pick things up or let them go and completely walk away, and I can be fine. But I don't really like to usually. But this adaptability....again, with the mirrored object. I easily mold into whatever situation I'm in. If people were puzzle pieces, I'd be the uncut piece that would look to see where it's needed before shaping myself to fit, as opposed to already being cast into my mold and finding a select few who I am compatible with. Sometimes that's not the case. But typically it is. <-- plausible flaw #4
Realization #5- For someone who tries to look out for others and not think of herself, I am extremely self-centered. It's a works in the making, and you have to realize that it's important to take care of yourself. Maslow created a hierarchy that shows that you have to take care of the main foundation - yourself - before you can take care of the needs of others. But looking back over these paragraphs, it makes me think of Mia on The Princess Diaries - at the end when she says how silly it is how many times a day we say the word "I". Go 'head. Though this is still quite conversational, it has a lot to do with me. But this is still a self-examining, self-considering post, so there's gonna be some of me in it somewhere. Actually, pretty sure this whole post screams narcissist. ;) "Ctrl-find" how many times I've used the word "I", and lets graze over that and move on. Anyway. I think some self-denial is there, trying to say that I'm not thinking about me, but that I am always selflessly thinking of others. But sometimes, I'm not. A sub-realization is that part of it is reaching out, hoping that someone will reach back. Golden rule, right? But after so long of reaching out to others, I think I don't know how to allow them to reach back. <-- plausible flaw #5
Realization #6- I know what I want, but not always. Or if I do, I don't know how to get there, or I forget. I want to be happy, but does happy mean by myself or with someone else? I want to learn, but does that mean I enjoy going to school or not? I want others to be happy, but does that mean I step back (yet again, it feels like) and allow them to be happy because they deserve it, or do they even deserve it, or do I? I know what I want- or should want- but not always. <-- plausible flaw #6
Last realization, #7- I am at a dilemma in my life. Torn between so many things, it would take another day and too many blogpost drafts before I could ever post anything really about it, and I really probably never would. But until I gather the courage to face this dilemma and see it from both sides- for there are surely two, and have the courage to face it as one me, with the knowledge and courage that I may need to change- until I can do this, I will be stuck without the ability to progress. Stuck typing about it, trying to realign my thoughts without getting up and doing something about it. So. To get past this seventh flaw, or at least begin my journey against, with, and in conjunction with this adventure, I'm logging off, and leaving you to consider this and your own life, and see if you can find who you really are, too. If you already know, take a two second break to pat yourself on the back and reach for your cup of hot chocolate, then continue on; for life always changes, and so; us with it. I know I'll find and become who I really am. In some ways, I think I already have, I just have to discover it for myself. Until then, lace up.
The race has already begun, and I'm running it my way. Forward, sideways, backwards, and with a dance along the way. You can join if you wish.
Love, Me.
