I haven't always succeeded in life. Sometimes each time I get up something seems to want to push me down. Sometimes I laugh until tears roll down my cheeks. Sometimes I sit in the wind and just breathe. Sometimes I feel like crying, and sometimes like flying. It's all me, and sometimes...I write these things down, and they're here for you to see.

Thursday, March 29, 2012

Waves

Empty.

Emptiness inside.

Hollow, like an empty jug.

Indifference, little care for much of anything.

Tension. Rising frustration, anxious. Questioning, Hoping, Probing, Wondering-

Back.

Back to reality with a snap.

Realizing my ears have been turned off.

My mind tuned elsewhere.

Missing what's happening, what's been said.

So unsure. Where once I was, now I question.
Can so many things change, and both still be right?

What am I doing?  What and who do I want?

Questioning. Furrowed brow and worried chin.

Aching chest and squeezing heart.

Holding breath to quell the ache.

A thought, and butterflies run up my skin.

A shudder of pleasure, like a wave running through my body.

My heart skips and dances.  My thoughts leap.

I feel whole. I feel happy. And suddenly, I feel great.

Another thought, and I come crashing down through the glass floor agian.

Lying there amidst the shattered glass, dazed a bit.

Looking around me, brushing the pieces from myself.

Swallowing the fears.  Hiding the tears.

Hiding. Always hiding.

What I really want. Who I really am.

Hiding to protect.  To stay safe.

Hardly daring to open up, for fear of having to close again...

Back.  Back to reality.

Back to the floor, with glass around me, because of me.

I brush off my hands, lace up my shoes, get up on my feet,

And dance again.

Wondering.

Spinning.

Questioning.

Hoping.

Pausing.

Looking.

Nothing.

Locking.

Quiet.

Still.

Love, Me.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

The Kingdom



Once upon a time there was a Kingdom far away. Every child had heard of it before they could talk. Every child dreamed of it before they could walk. The stories told about it created pictures full of wonder and excitement.  Streets paved with gold, water so sweet it glistened in the sun and made you feel lighter, fruit so whole and healthy you only had to take a large basket to get a single bushel of grapes. 

One little girl dreamed of traveling there one day and meeting the kings and queens and rulers of might said to live there. She had no crown upon her head.  No grand rug beneath her feet. Yet she hoped and wished with all she had that some day, she would be considered a princess and could enter.  She worked with all her might, cleaning the dust off of travelor's shoes, mending holes in jackets, saving pennies in hopes of acquiring enough money to pay her passage into The Kingdom.

The girl grew.  She saved all she could, often going without meals to have another coin to add to her purse.   Slowly, surely, her saving grew, and she herself grew taller and even more beautiful.  Finally, she had what she felt to be enough.  She sold her small home, packed a satchel with her few belongings, and readied herself for the morning. 

Waking, she ate a small breakfast, scrubbed her face in the icy water from a morning water barrel, set her face to the East, and began walking.  It wasn't before long that she came across a woman and her children struggling to pull a cart full of meager belongings, slowly working their way across the beaten road.  The girl came up and grabbed hold of a side of the small cart, steadied it, and with a warm smile, began to help pull.

The mother smiled gratefully, and the children chattered playfully as the two women pulled side by side.  The mother sold bread and washed laundry, and had to work hard to get by.  The girl told how she was seeking The Kingdom, and they all marvelled at the glory surely to come.  At a crossroad, the girl stopped, pulled out some coins and slipped them into the young mother's hand. 

"Take this, for your need is greater than mine", she said.

With hearts full they clasped each other, and continued on their ways.

A child ran back with a small red scarf.  "Momma says this's fo' you.  Remember your love".  The Girl wrapped it around her neck, scooped the child in her arms, and gave her a coin. "Many thanks to your mother", and the child ran back.

Soon the Girl came upon an old man, stooped with age and weathered by years working in the sun.  She ran to him, and supported him on her arm.  They talked, and he told her how he was a woodsman, and could carve anything, anything at all.  The girl laughed and told him how she was on her way to The Kingdom, to meet a king just like him.  The man smiled and said, "Oh, I am no king. But let me make something for you".  And he whittled and carved, and soon handed a small life-like horse to her.  "Remember your strength".  She gratefully hugged him, slipped him some coins, and they parted ways.

The Girl kept traveling.  She crossed rivers and pastures, and forests and streams.  Whenever she met someone, they would talk and rejoice in her quest for The Kingdom.  She would give them of her precious coins- her life's work- and continue on her way, her purse getting lighter and lighter.

The Girl often slept under the stars, and listen to the creatures of the earth call to each other- the wolf mournfully to its pack, the owls curiously to each other as they sat in the trees.  She sometimes gave her food to young children she'd see.  Still she searched.  Still she dreamed of the day she would reach The Kingdom, and oh, how she hoped she would still have enough.  Yet each day, her resources grew smaller, and smaller. 

Then came the day that she gave with a smile her last coin to a beggar woman everyone else avoided.  When she turned the corner, she fell to the ground and wept, for she had just given away the last of her money.  How now could she enter the place she had worked for her entire life?  With an unknown strength, and with an imperceptible voice on the wind, she rose, wiped the tears from her face, and walked on the beckoning path.

Finally the day came.  The path grew light in front of her, and her soul grew with joy to hear the wonderful sounds that came from within the gates of The Kingdom.  Tears of joy filled her eyes to have finally arrived, and she quickened her pace.  Then the tears turned to sadness as a man came to the gate.

"Hail, to the approacher of this Gate.  What brings you here?"

Her heart fluttered.  "I Seek The Kingdom."

"Well, you have found it.  What do you bring?"

Her heart dropped, and her eyes filled with sadness.  "I surely cannot come in."

The man looked puzzled.  "And why is that?" "Good sir, I have no money. I cannot afford to come in."

The Man smiled with loving compassion.  "Oh, dear Sister. You have brought more than what money could buy.  Let me see in your bag."  The girl felt a moment of alarm.  That was where she kept her remaining precious belongings.  Still, she reached in and pulled out the contents, starting with the horse, carefully crafted.  "To remember Strength."  A book. "To remember wisdom".  A bell. "To remember beauty and music". A small pressed flower and feather. "Wonder".  A thorn.  "Trials".  Lastly she unwound the scarf from her neck.  "To remember Love".

The Man smiled and opened His arms.
"All of these things have shown me who you are, and are better than any money for things to buy.   And now, one gift from Me".

He pulled out a small piece of looking glass.  "A teardrop from The King's eye, so you may see yourself as He sees you.  Enter, my sister, and friend; you have earned your way.  Take this, and Remember Your Worth".

The girl stepped inside with eyes full of tears of wonder.  The Kingdom, with glittering streets, beautiful flowers, and peace.  She had finally made it.  As she turned, she saw that the man was The King's own Son.  He wrapped her in His arms, and whispered,

"My Sister, Welcome Home".




The End.

Love, Me.

~Dedicated to the One Who Heard it First~

Thursday, January 26, 2012

Like Unto The Prophets

Ether 2.

     "And it came to pass that Jared and his brother, and their families, and also the friends of Jared and his brother and their families, went down into the valley which was northward, (and the name of the valley was Nimrod, being called after the mighty hunter) with their flocks which they had gathered together, male and female, of every kind.
     And they did also lay snares and catch fowls of the air; and they did also prepare a vessel, in which they did carry with them the fish of the waters.
    And they did also carry with them deseret, which, by interpretation, is a honey bee; and thus they did carry with them swarms of bees, and all manner of that which was upon the face of the land, seeds of every kind.
...And it came to pass that the Lord commanded them that they should go forth into the wilderness, yea, into that quarter where there never had man been.  And it came to pass that the Lord did go before them, and did talk with them as he stood in a cloud, and gave directions whither they should travel.
     And it came to pass that they did travel in the wilderness, and did build barges, in which they did cross many waters, being directed continually by the hand of the Lord.
     And the Lord would not suffer that they should stop beyond the sea in the wilderness, but he would that they should come forth even unto the land of promise, which was choice above all other lands, which the Lord God had preserved for a righteous people.
...And now, we can behold the decrees of God concerning this land, that it is a land of promise; and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall serve God ,or they shall be swept off when the fulness of his wrath shall come upon them...
...Behold, this is a choice land, and whatsoever nation shall possess it shall be free from bondage, and from captivity, and from all other nations under heaven, if they will but serve the God of the land, who is Jesus Christ, who hath been manifested by the things which we have written.  And now I proceed with my record; for behold it came to pass that the Lord did bring Jared and his brethren forth even to that great sea which divideth the lands.  And as they came to the sea they pitched their tents; and they called the name of the place Moriancumer; and they dwelt in tents, and dwelt in tents upon the seashore for the space of four years..."

The Brother of Jared and his family and friends are preparing to cross the sea.  The Lord promises, and prepares them for the trip to the land.  It is a great test, greater than the Brother of Jared anticipated.  He is worried, and stressed.  He goes to the Lord with questions, his mind filled with worry, and probably doubt.  He asks several questions.

"How will they see, how will they know where to go, how will they breathe?"

"And behold, O Lord, in them there is no light; whither shall we steer? And also we shall perish, for in them we cannot breathe, save it is the air which is in them; therefore we shall perish."

Answers come to some, and others later after there had been time, work and faith.  Still some do not come, or seem to until much later.  After some time and work, some of the same questions again.  "O Lord, behold I have done even as thou hast commanded me; and I have prepared the vessels...and behold there is no light in them".  Christ restates the problem- He knows.  He understands.  Then He asks the Brother of Jared the same thing, with a heavenly promise of comfort to the other questions and a question of His own- will he be strong, and trust? What will he do, that the Lord will be able to help him?

"Behold, O Lord, wilt thou suffer that we shall cross this great water in darkness?"
"And the Lord said unto the brother of Jared:
'What will ye that I should do that ye may have light in your vessels? For behold, ye cannot have windows, for they will be dashed in pieces; neither shall ye take fire with you, for ye shall not go by the light of fire.  For behold, ye shall be as a whale in the midst of the sea; for the mountain waves shall dash upon you.  Nevertheless, I will bring you up again out of the depths of the sea; for the winds have gone forth out of my mouth, and also the rains and the floods have I sent forth.  And behold, I prepare you against these things; for ye cannot cross this great deep save I prepare you against the waves of the sea, and the winds which have gone forth, and the floods which shall come.
Therefore, what will ye that I should prepare for you that ye may have light when ye are swallowed up in the depths of the sea?'"

Though your lives may span a few thousand years, you are not that different from the Brother of Jared.  Your faith and trials are like unto his.  Your potential and ability are there, greater than you know.  I doubt he knew when he was young that he would build boats and cross the great sea.  You're on your own sea now, and like him, you are not alone.  Though for a moment you may not be able to see or understand, know where to go, what to do, how to breathe; the answers will come.  Help is there.  You are loved, and promised help and support.  I know because God knows, and we can trust Him.  I love you, as does He.

The Brother of Jared's final solution came with the 16 stones he presented to the Lord in chapter 3.  These along with the power of Christ gave light, and the Brother of Jared was able to experience one of the most precious and sacred experiences on earth.  Ours is a God of mercy.  He is the God of Love.  We have the witness of a prophet in the his words when he answered the Lord's inquiry of belief: "And he answered: Yea, Lord, I know that thou speakest the truth, for thou art a God of truth, and canst not lie" (Ether 3:12).

All of life's troubles and trials and tribulations can not be explained at once.  All the reasons for why can not be known now, nor should they, for this is how faith is built.  I know this.  This is real. 

You can make it, I promise. :)

Love, Me.

Thursday, January 5, 2012

Dear World,

Hi. It's 2012. Add the single digits up and you get 5, which is today. Cool, huh? Now add 20 and 12, and you get 32, which happens to be the day I last posted.

Okay, that was a joke. But that would be weird-cool if it were true.

I am officially 19 and a half. And a day.  It's amazing to think of how much has happened in such a short time. PLUS!! Tomorrow is Maestro's birthday!! Happy birthday shout out to one of the best friends EVER!!! :D

School started yesterday, making today the second day, but first of the Thursday classes.  Funny enough, it doesn't feel like the start of a semester, but rather...like the middle of one.  I suppose that's a good thing. Yesterday I had a six hour wait in between my morning and my last class.  Because we just went over the syllabus in Biology, we got out 20 minutes early at 10:40.  And so, it was 11:15am and I learned something very important.

I was extremelly bored.  This wasn't good.  I had six more hours of this, then two more of class!  By 1:30 I'd already read half of a book from the Bookstore, had lunch, written two letters, changed my classes, renewed my registration on my laptop and ecclesiastical endorsement, bought more books (which I found out later I didn't need), and stared out the window.  It was then that I decided that I would rather have class at 8am than wait that long again, even if I did have homework in the future.

Lesson 1 of the start of the semester: Check your classes to make sure you've taken the prereqs. Preferrably before the day before classes starts.
Lesson 2: Days can seem more like 36 hours long if you're not careful
Lesson 3: If you're buying books, make sure it's the right edition and volume.
Lesson 4: If you're jumping over a stool to get somewhere quickly, make sure you've cleared it completely.

With the start of the new year, people often make "resolutions", or "This is something I should work on and maybe want to do, and since everyone else is doing it, I'll do it too. We'll see if it gets past the first week".  I honestly have never had much desire or luck with these, other than the one I made halfway through February my Freshman year of High school to see if I could go all year without chewing gum.  Weird, I know.  But, it's five years later, and I still haven't.  Anyway.  I guess if I did make New Years Resolutions, here's what they'd be:

~Be nicer to everyone
~Watch cool movies
~Do awesome things

Hmm.  I guess I can do that.  I think I'd also like to get to the temple a few times a month...if that's once weekly that's great.

Some people think the world's going to be ending sometime this year.  Course, they predicted that it would end sometime last year, too.  And in years before that.  In my opinion, it's not gonna end this year.  And if it did "end"....it's not going to be what people think. 

Reasoning?

I'm not ready to graduate yet, and that's gonna happen in 2014.  If we were to use a mathematical equation (+ my logic),  2014 > 2012, and it's gonna happen, therefore, it's not going to come to a halt this year.  That and How to Train Your Dragon 2 is scheduled to come out in January of 2013, and we need to see how that is.

So, Welcome to 2012. It's gonna be a great year, and see you next year. :)

Love, Me.

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Leap, Fly, Sing

Sitting quietly
Silently pondering
on things of the Future,
Present
and Past.

Sorting through feelings,
Re-running memories,
Filing
and Feeling
and Thinking.
Of what?

Everything.
And Nothing.
This, and that. Here,
and Tomorrow.
Back and Then,

Over and over,
New once again.
Repeating,
Echoing,
Silent. Again...

I'm back where I sat.
Invisibly seen.
Quietly conscious of what
this Could mean.

Rhyming on some.
Telling on others.
Content and I Wonder.
Where does the time go?

I forget it's December.
I hear whisp'rings of Spring.
I want to go Running,
or Flying,
or sing.

Something. . .
Something.

Inside me it's Spring.


Love, Me.

Monday, November 21, 2011

A Personal Post, and "Trust in God."

Some personal thoughts from a friend today.

"Trust in God. Trust_in_God. Let Him be in charge, and direct my life.  He knows. He is the One who times life, allowing things to, and not to, work for our greatest good. Look back and see. See the change in our (my) life. See how things line up.

Let Him be in charge.  Let Him direct my paths.  Things will go better when I do. ;) I may not always get my answer today, tomorrow, or even next week. Sometimes it might even take a year. But it's all in good timing.

We will all experience temptation in our lives. That is a fact. We will want to give in to it. We must not. My strength will come from Not giving in, in standing up, and putting my trust in God.  How much stronger will I be, if I can put my trust always in the Lord."

"Trust in God."


From one of my favorite classes this week....

"YOU'VE got to believe." -Elder Holland

"God answers our prayers. He answers your prayers. So don't you Ever give up." -Elder Richardson

"It's important to learn your lessons on your own, before God has to teach them to you. Because when God has to teach you, it's not very fun." - President Eyring


To Trust in God doesn't mean that I will only have good days, never to feel sad or lonely again.  It is not to suddenly be perfect in all that I do.  It is not to be better than others.  It is to move, and act, to hope and trust, to love and learn, it is to try.  And with some trying comes success, others we view as failure.  But all in good time.  The Lord see's where we are, and where we are going and how to get there.  It is Faith.  The fire that is inside of our souls that pushes us with a desire to know and learn. The source of our strength, the well of which we draw from, the breath that gives us life.  It is faith, love, truth, hope, learning, serving, acting... It is knowledge that we are not alone in this world, and that there is someone out there, with us, helping us as we search for Him.

We don't know everything.  I won't understand everything, and I will struggle and squirm, and try to understand.  Like my friend said, "He [the Lord] fills the void that is in our lives, and makes us better than we ever could become alone."  And for that blessing, I am grateful.  And through the good and the hard days, I will always,

Always,

Trust in God.

Love, Me.

Sunday, November 20, 2011

I Wonder...

...What life will be like in another year or two?

...what life would be like if I'd kept with dance and drama in middle school and high school?

...if I will ever have a solo/stage voice like I want?

...How many of my posts will begin with or concern "Wondering"...

...What the world would be like if they held the Spirit of Christmas all year round?

...if all of my dreams will come true?

...What my dreams will be in a few years?

...How I can hold love and hurt and peace and joy and mystery all at once.

...if my arms and hands will ever be strong enough again...

...I Wonder.

That is all.

Love, Me.