A disheartening thought...

...as I realize I'm not letting go.  Why am I doing this to myself?  How long has it been?  Days, weeks, months?  I'm trying.  But even in the act of getting up and leaving I know in the back of my mind that I'm half turned, waiting, hoping to be called, ignoring the cruel harsh voice that says "never more".

What is faith?  An hope of the heart, backed with some confirmation that what you believe in is real.

What is hope?  The thing that carries us when we have nothing left to ride on.

What is wishing?  Wishing is the very last chance/hope our hearts have that what we desire may somehow come true.  Wishing is living in the past, forgetting the present, and looking for the future.

Wishing is stupid.

I don't use that word very often, so that's saying something.

I must say, that for someone that doesn't believe in "wishes", "wishing" or having wishes granted, I certainly live a life that follows the act of wishing well.  Not saying they don't exist, I just simply have a hard time putting my trust in them.  I try to plant the idea of wishing and believing in others, because I know Believing at least works, so they can have hope.  There is a liberating feeling when you Believe, and/or know someone Believes in you.  You are your only limit for success.

I sometimes feel like one who is preparing everyone else, and in helping everyone else, when the train arrives found she was not ready...and was left suddenly behind.  The glasses were held up, but when I could finally opened my eyes, he was gone...

Oh, the deepest regrets of my heart!!  That which I do not mean to be said, is somehow spoken, and somehow that which I truly desire to express is hidden, with only glimpses coming out.  And I wonder, "what if?..."

...What if???

I want to be ready for the world.  I want to world to be ready for me.  But most of all, I want to be...me.

How will that "me" come about?  How will she be discovered?  I cannot tell you, but perhaps you could tell me?

For anyone who may read out there, friend or foe, I bid you good luck in life.  I apologize if I have shocked or offended you in any way, and would ask your forgiveness.  I suppose my biggest question is, who sees me, and what do they see? Who do they see? Where do they see me?

97.

I smile in memory of the young boy that met me and called me "mom".  I'm not sure what convinced him of this, for I certainly have no reason to claim this title...
...all the same, I love you, sweetie. Keep smiling, okay, Bub? :)  Try not to kill yourself in discovering flight from the top of a couch. ;-) Let me know if I can do anything for you, ever and always.  Same with you, Laki and Bud.  You guys are amazing, and a reliever in my life, All of you. ;-)

The rest of you, stay true; you never know who's watching. :)  If you can, keep wishing.  If you think you can change my mind about any of this, I'm open for any suggestions you may have...

Love, Me.