Can't focus, can't focus, wasting time, can't focus........
Welcome to day four of homework.
Love, Me.
Welcome to day four of homework.
Love, Me.
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Friday, August 24, 2012
Lessons I Learned While Sailing...
So a few nights ago for a ward activity we went sailing on Utah Lake in Provo. At first there was pretty much no wind, hardly a breeze, so we paddled around and splashed each other to our hearts content, came back to shore to dock and have treats (Happy birthday, Brave), then all got excited when we saw some of our group out on the water - Sailing. Not just floating around, but real life, honest to goodness, caught a breeze and they were sailing.
So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls. Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern. I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.
Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas. Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.
The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.
I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me. But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did. I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others. I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad. If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.
Which is exactly where we found ourselves. It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake. Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again. The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too." But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful. I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun." Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized. We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now. Only, we couldn't.
Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.
This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof. Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it. Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience. Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.
The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church. He described three types of boats to us-
The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones.
The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it.
The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving. Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be? The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in. The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything. But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed. I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter. I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.
And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.
There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story. Defeat. Distaste. Guilt. Disappointment. Sorrow. Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.
Back to the story. We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again. The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore. Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward. These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain. I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back. Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid. Let me explain that. There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight. I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry. I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back. However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!" Yep, we agreed. We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.
A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.
3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.
4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak. We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable. When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.
5) There are more chances to come back than we know. The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come. Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.
6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back. Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place. But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster. True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.
7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent". Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip. Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell. Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.
8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree. You will. Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.
9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast. And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it.
10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away. It's a trap. It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!
11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience. I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not. It's dangerous. You aren't You. And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.
12) There are saviors in this life. Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it. They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven. He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe
13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission. Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it. I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help. We weren't physically drowning- yet. But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.
14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others. I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to. I'm sorry.
15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes. Some greater than others. Some longer lasting. But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned. Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes. But we keep trying.
There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life. From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others. Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade. I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience. My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it. I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.
More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life. But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming. Open your eyes and look for it. Help is there.
Love, Me.
So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls. Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern. I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.
Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas. Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.
The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.
I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me. But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did. I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others. I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad. If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.
Which is exactly where we found ourselves. It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake. Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again. The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too." But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful. I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun." Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized. We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now. Only, we couldn't.
Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.
This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof. Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it. Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience. Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.
The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church. He described three types of boats to us-
The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones.
The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it.
The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving. Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be? The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in. The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything. But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed. I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter. I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.
And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.
There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story. Defeat. Distaste. Guilt. Disappointment. Sorrow. Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.
Back to the story. We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again. The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore. Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward. These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain. I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back. Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid. Let me explain that. There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight. I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry. I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back. However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!" Yep, we agreed. We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.
A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.
3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.
4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak. We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable. When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.
5) There are more chances to come back than we know. The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come. Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.
6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back. Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place. But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster. True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.
7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent". Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip. Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell. Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.
8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree. You will. Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.
9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast. And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it.
10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away. It's a trap. It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!
11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience. I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not. It's dangerous. You aren't You. And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.
12) There are saviors in this life. Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it. They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven. He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe
13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission. Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it. I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help. We weren't physically drowning- yet. But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.
14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others. I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to. I'm sorry.
15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes. Some greater than others. Some longer lasting. But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned. Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes. But we keep trying.
There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life. From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others. Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade. I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience. My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it. I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.
More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life. But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming. Open your eyes and look for it. Help is there.
Love, Me.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sometimes Life is Hard
I have a problem. School starts in 11 days, and I'm enjoying my summer too much to want to go back. I know school is good, but.........it's been a nice break. ;)
Also, I'm super tired lately. Doing a lot during the days, playing, cleaning, prepping, Relief Society, and staying up too late typically results in me semi-crashing halfway through the day, usually at this time, between 2:30 and 3:30. The obvious solution is to go to bed earlier, or take a nap, right? Except I don't usually do either.
So it's my fault. Also, this week's been hard. Hard news, rough days, long evenings and not enough time to do what I need to. Trying to fit everything in can be tricky, and with school will be especially tricky...in a good way, I'm sure, but...
I'm not meaning to complain. It's just me trying to sort my emotions and everything. Most of the time, life is good, but in case people wondered - yes, life can be hard, depressing, "lame", trying, and especially difficult some weeks more than others, even for those whom it doesn't seem like it would apply to. So what do we remedy it with? (Aka., what have I been trying a lot of lately?)
-Scripture study...sometimes more than 15 minutes. Sometimes you've got to read from 5pm to 5 in the morning in order to finally feel in the right mood or Spirit.
-Prayer. Praying like there's nothing else to do. My dad says (quoting President Hinckley): "Pray like it all depends on Heavenly Father, and then work like it all depends on you". Pray for others and their struggles. 30 minutes later, you may still be praying, but with a different purpose than you started.
-Go to the Temple. I sat in the waiting room for probably 20 minutes before I felt like I could completely leave the world and it's worries behind, but even then the worries I had were still on my mind. Then I went down to the Baptistry, went to work, and came back feeling refreshed. Sometimes it takes a short visit, sometimes longer. You just have to make the time.
-Not gossip. I've noticed that there's been a lot of gossip going on lately, and I try not to be a part of it, but man it's hard sometimes. Try it. Go a week, or even a day noticing how you talk or listen about people. Gossip can tear a person down the same way a wrecking ball does to a building. Change the conversations for the good.
-Loud music. Sometimes you just gotta let it out. One time it was turning the volume up to the max on the piano and playing long and loud songs, loud enough that I'm sure the neighbors could hear even with the windows closed. No one else was home, so I figured they wouldn't mind... ;)
-Realize you've changed. You're still the same entity that goes to bed at night and wakes up for the day, but what's inside of you has grown and changed. You're not the same, but you're still you. It's a paradox that's hard to explain, but easier to understand. If you're looking to do the same things the same way, you're selling yourself short. It's not going to happen. Times has passed, you and your surroundings change, and you move on. Albeit it's not easy. Oh no. It can be rotten hard. But it's really for the best.
-Paradigm shift. Gotta make the decision to change. And if you do, you have to jump in facing forward with both feet. No twisting, no looking back, no holding on to anything else. The times when you don't think it's working, when you feel like you've tried long enough with no results, you just gotta keep pushing forward with hope and faith that it'll come through. Some day it will.
-And one of the hardest....Trust. Give up your pride, let go of your doubts, and trust in the Maker of the Universe who holds you in the palm of His hand. Trust in His timing, His blessings, His promises, and the trials that He allows.
These are some of the things I try. Some of them work better than others, and may be easier, and you might even find something that works for you that no one else has tried or found to work yet. But just thought you should know, sometimes we have a hard time.
Love, Me.
Also, I'm super tired lately. Doing a lot during the days, playing, cleaning, prepping, Relief Society, and staying up too late typically results in me semi-crashing halfway through the day, usually at this time, between 2:30 and 3:30. The obvious solution is to go to bed earlier, or take a nap, right? Except I don't usually do either.
So it's my fault. Also, this week's been hard. Hard news, rough days, long evenings and not enough time to do what I need to. Trying to fit everything in can be tricky, and with school will be especially tricky...in a good way, I'm sure, but...
I'm not meaning to complain. It's just me trying to sort my emotions and everything. Most of the time, life is good, but in case people wondered - yes, life can be hard, depressing, "lame", trying, and especially difficult some weeks more than others, even for those whom it doesn't seem like it would apply to. So what do we remedy it with? (Aka., what have I been trying a lot of lately?)
-Scripture study...sometimes more than 15 minutes. Sometimes you've got to read from 5pm to 5 in the morning in order to finally feel in the right mood or Spirit.
-Prayer. Praying like there's nothing else to do. My dad says (quoting President Hinckley): "Pray like it all depends on Heavenly Father, and then work like it all depends on you". Pray for others and their struggles. 30 minutes later, you may still be praying, but with a different purpose than you started.
-Go to the Temple. I sat in the waiting room for probably 20 minutes before I felt like I could completely leave the world and it's worries behind, but even then the worries I had were still on my mind. Then I went down to the Baptistry, went to work, and came back feeling refreshed. Sometimes it takes a short visit, sometimes longer. You just have to make the time.
-Not gossip. I've noticed that there's been a lot of gossip going on lately, and I try not to be a part of it, but man it's hard sometimes. Try it. Go a week, or even a day noticing how you talk or listen about people. Gossip can tear a person down the same way a wrecking ball does to a building. Change the conversations for the good.
-Loud music. Sometimes you just gotta let it out. One time it was turning the volume up to the max on the piano and playing long and loud songs, loud enough that I'm sure the neighbors could hear even with the windows closed. No one else was home, so I figured they wouldn't mind... ;)
-Realize you've changed. You're still the same entity that goes to bed at night and wakes up for the day, but what's inside of you has grown and changed. You're not the same, but you're still you. It's a paradox that's hard to explain, but easier to understand. If you're looking to do the same things the same way, you're selling yourself short. It's not going to happen. Times has passed, you and your surroundings change, and you move on. Albeit it's not easy. Oh no. It can be rotten hard. But it's really for the best.
-Paradigm shift. Gotta make the decision to change. And if you do, you have to jump in facing forward with both feet. No twisting, no looking back, no holding on to anything else. The times when you don't think it's working, when you feel like you've tried long enough with no results, you just gotta keep pushing forward with hope and faith that it'll come through. Some day it will.
-And one of the hardest....Trust. Give up your pride, let go of your doubts, and trust in the Maker of the Universe who holds you in the palm of His hand. Trust in His timing, His blessings, His promises, and the trials that He allows.
These are some of the things I try. Some of them work better than others, and may be easier, and you might even find something that works for you that no one else has tried or found to work yet. But just thought you should know, sometimes we have a hard time.
Love, Me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I Have Moved On
I know that I'm over you. I can walk down the street and smile when I think about you and where you are now. I don't lay awake for hours before falling asleep wondering where you are and why we're not together.
So why does something someone else do or say make my heart pound and my breath catch and my limbs freeze as I am trapped in a memory of you?
After a few moments I am freed from this grip of the past, and reality comes flowing back with the long, shallow breath I take and I close my eyes to wait for the dizziness to pass, and I wonder; Why does that happen? Am I really over you?
I have my answer a few moments later when breathing is restored to normal, and it doesn't pain to think about you, good times and bad. When it doesn't feel like my heart is being squeezed and wrenched unkindly from its place in my chest. When I'm not stopped in my tracks to bend doubled over from how hard it hurts. No tears come, though they wouldn't have.
And though for a moment I may be sad for what was seemingly lost...I look down the summery road, through the golden sunlit air and tree-lined walk, and watch you smile and hear you laugh and play...and find peace in being able to turn away.
And I know I have moved on.
Down my own road, through the tree-lined walk to a single maple tree overlooking a still pond, where grass grows as tall as your knees, and flowers bloom freely but without overabundance, where a single lark can be heard calling out his melody to be answered across the meadow by his friend. Where you can lay out at night and watch the stars glow in the sky as it turns, where you wish on the ones that fall from their places, where you can feel the warm breeze turn cool during the night, and smell the fresh air from a valley away. Where I wait without waiting, breathe without breathing, and grow without knowing. Someday someone will join me. So with peace, farewell to you. I am here, living in solace.
Solace I have been waiting a lifetime for, and found.
Love, Me.
So why does something someone else do or say make my heart pound and my breath catch and my limbs freeze as I am trapped in a memory of you?
After a few moments I am freed from this grip of the past, and reality comes flowing back with the long, shallow breath I take and I close my eyes to wait for the dizziness to pass, and I wonder; Why does that happen? Am I really over you?
I have my answer a few moments later when breathing is restored to normal, and it doesn't pain to think about you, good times and bad. When it doesn't feel like my heart is being squeezed and wrenched unkindly from its place in my chest. When I'm not stopped in my tracks to bend doubled over from how hard it hurts. No tears come, though they wouldn't have.
And though for a moment I may be sad for what was seemingly lost...I look down the summery road, through the golden sunlit air and tree-lined walk, and watch you smile and hear you laugh and play...and find peace in being able to turn away.
Down my own road, through the tree-lined walk to a single maple tree overlooking a still pond, where grass grows as tall as your knees, and flowers bloom freely but without overabundance, where a single lark can be heard calling out his melody to be answered across the meadow by his friend. Where you can lay out at night and watch the stars glow in the sky as it turns, where you wish on the ones that fall from their places, where you can feel the warm breeze turn cool during the night, and smell the fresh air from a valley away. Where I wait without waiting, breathe without breathing, and grow without knowing. Someday someone will join me. So with peace, farewell to you. I am here, living in solace.
Solace I have been waiting a lifetime for, and found.
Love, Me.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Buckle up, get set, go!
Sometimes when you get on here, it's because you have something on your mind and you just need to spit it out so that it can be sorted and understood a little better. Occasionally there's a story to be told, or an event that needs mentioning.
This time, I don't know why I'm on here, other than just for the joy of blogging.
I did apply for a job as a receptionist at BYU today, in the Ancient Scripture department. We'll see how that goes. :) I helped "cater" a wedding last Saturday, from 10:30am-10:30pm, with a 3 hour break at three when I got to go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I absolutely love it there. The peace that's in there...mmm. I've missed it. Working was fun, too, I was surprised. I kind of like manual labor, as weird as that sounds. Any work can be good, but this was fun. I got there, had some instructions, then they said, "Okay, you're in charge now", and I was...and it was great! I did start to get tired at about 8:30 that evening...and it would have helped to have another worker, but what we had worked well. I have to admit, although humbly, that I think I surprised people there. They thought I was older, so awesome for helping even though I wasn't related (although I did get paid, so it was kind of nice that way, haha), and was surprised that I had been there since that morning and was still going strong and knew where everything went...honestly...I think it was because I enjoyed what I was doing, and had been to the temple. Whatever reason, it was a good experience.
So, yeah. This is a weird post, but it matches me. I'm meeting new friends, keeping up with old ones, and having a good time in between. Life is crazy, life is busy, life is good, life is...life.
School starts in 3 weeks. I'm kind of excited and mostly not ready for summer to be over. I like my summers. :)
Anyhow, there's my update. Ciao,
Love, Me.
This time, I don't know why I'm on here, other than just for the joy of blogging.
I did apply for a job as a receptionist at BYU today, in the Ancient Scripture department. We'll see how that goes. :) I helped "cater" a wedding last Saturday, from 10:30am-10:30pm, with a 3 hour break at three when I got to go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I absolutely love it there. The peace that's in there...mmm. I've missed it. Working was fun, too, I was surprised. I kind of like manual labor, as weird as that sounds. Any work can be good, but this was fun. I got there, had some instructions, then they said, "Okay, you're in charge now", and I was...and it was great! I did start to get tired at about 8:30 that evening...and it would have helped to have another worker, but what we had worked well. I have to admit, although humbly, that I think I surprised people there. They thought I was older, so awesome for helping even though I wasn't related (although I did get paid, so it was kind of nice that way, haha), and was surprised that I had been there since that morning and was still going strong and knew where everything went...honestly...I think it was because I enjoyed what I was doing, and had been to the temple. Whatever reason, it was a good experience.
So, yeah. This is a weird post, but it matches me. I'm meeting new friends, keeping up with old ones, and having a good time in between. Life is crazy, life is busy, life is good, life is...life.
School starts in 3 weeks. I'm kind of excited and mostly not ready for summer to be over. I like my summers. :)
Anyhow, there's my update. Ciao,
Love, Me.
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