Blessings in Disguise are for our Inner Eyes

I'm feeling a bit of an inward struggle.

This blog has documented a lot of my life for the past couple of years.  I like it, and blogging is great, but I kind of want it to grow up.  I almost want to cringe and delete posts of nothing, but then wonder what I'd be left with.  This is a part of my life, and that's kind of hard to delete.

I've come to a few self-realizations lately; about life, myself, and the interplay of it all.  Some of my learning has been this:

-Life events can be seen as great, terrific, horrific, and anywhere in between.  Doesn't matter what they are, what's hard for you can be easy for the one next to you.
-We have the choice to be happy.  Once you choose it, everything else becomes better, instantly.
-You cannot do all you are meant to if you are not who you are supposed to be.
-Even if you cannot see it, what's happening to you now, good or bad can be overcome and made better.  Things you never would have considered as blessings may just be hidden from our inner eyes.

I'm not sure if this is a final post or not.  If I want to create an entire other site for the next part of my life.  Not to say I have any announcements to make, but I can feel an inward shift, and I think it is time to leave this behind.  It's not a bad thing to do; seasons of our lives come and go, and if they've served their purpose, it is best to close them up and walk away, facing forward looking for the next adventure set.  So, if this is my final post, I'll leave you with this:

Remember who you are.  If you don't know who that is- go find them, and become them.  You have the power to change the world if you can find the power and ability to change yourself.

If this isn't my last post; I'll see you 'round the corner. :)  Til then,

Love, Me.

Wont to Want

I want it.

And it's frustrating because I don't want to want it, at least I don't want to think so, not so long as I'm not sure if I want you to want me to want it; because you want it. But as long as I want it, I want you to want it, and for us to want it so much that it works. I want that. But as much as I want that, I want to be able to want to move on so much that I stop wanting, and actually do it.

At the very least, I'd like it a lot.

Love, Me.

#Uselesshashtag'causeit'sblogger
#Waitpeoplereallyusethese?
#Whynotusethespacebar?
$Whynotusethedollarsign?
#Really.

First, and last time using hashtags.

Everything and Nothing at Once

Every once in a while I realize I'm not doing anything productive anyway (no matter what I try and tell myself), so I get on here and blog.  This is one of those times.

As "unproductive" as I'm being, I'm still multitasking, though.  I'm keeping an eye on dinner on the stove so it doesn't scorch, wasted time on Facebook, kept my book on my lap as if I were really studying it in depth, and talked to friends and got things ready for Church tomorrow.  Quite amazing.

I didn't realize it, but I think I scheduled everything I could for this next coming weekend. Paper due on Thursday (not my doing), presentation on Friday (my doing), board meeting on Sunday (my doing), and homework in between.  I don't know how I do it all, but I definitely know that I don't always get everything done, but I try to give it my best.

Also, if you put <Filler> as your title, Blogger doesn't recognize it as a title and thinks you don't have one. Silly Blogger. It's just under disguise. Like me.

Favorite view in the world, Eiffel Tower; Optional.  Many thanks to my dear friend Bond who took me to a view and let me enjoy it on a hard night. Friends are great, guys. :)


Random picture of the Avengers with completely no tie to this post:

This is also my Google Chrome background, in case you wondered. Slight fixation? No comment. ;)

Wondered about the disguised comment up there? My friend and I have this inside joke that he's Bond and I'm Black Widow. Now the random Avengers picture has a tie to this post, and I have brought two loops to a close. Status: Awesome.  Also, remind me to tell you about the amazing life-saving plans Bond and I have concocted. They're still the highlight of my day.

So there are some times in your life where you know that even as much filler as you give.....
...you've still said a whole bunch of nothing.  But I've consumed your time in the process, hopefully giving you a smile. I consider this blog post a success.

Have a great day!!

Love, Me.

Self Consideration

Today's Thanksgiving.  I'm grateful for many things, too many to mention here, but just so you know, I am grateful.  For health, growth, learning, and a chance to better every aspect of our lives, and more.

Happy Thanksgiving everyone. :)

It is also now "Grey Thursday", as some stores have opened early for their "Black Friday" sales.  Which I think is ridiculous.  I feel like the sacredness of this holiday is being stripped off and thrown away like a lot of other things lately - family, religion, and such.  The boundaries and guidelines that once held us together are being loosened and overlooked, so the meaning and safety that was inside is let go as well.  I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, I'm just wondering how much and what we change is good?

This thought process is held in close with another thought I have.  I had a conversation a week ago where I was discussing various aspects of my life, and a very good friend and mentor told me (with slight hesitation) that I was competitive.  I kind of laughed and wanted to disagree (which would have proved their point), because I didn't feel like I was.  I simply was tired of the current circumstances, was tired of always sitting back, and wanted to.....oh.  Right.  I can see how that's competing.  But, kindly they said, "If you weren't competitive you wouldn't be so good at piano and organ", and I was very gracious and thankful for them for that.  For noticing, and taking the consideration to point out a characteristic that I have, potentially positive or negative, and applying it positively to my life.  I appreciate that.  As I've been thinking lately they are, of course, quite right.  Being competitive was reaffirmed when I went to my brother's piano recital where he and his duet partner "competed" for a superior rating on their songs.  And I missed it.  Oh so bad.  I wanted to re-experience that nerve-wracking rush knowing that you have a song to perform that you've been working on for sometimes months, and you know you're good at it and want to impress the judges.  Impress. That's another word that I think applies to me.  I always want to impress.  Impress --> linked with Compete.

Though constantly one-upping someone isn't so good, I think that competitiveness is important in life.  It keeps us moving and progressing, and helps us to realize our strengths and weaknesses.  If I wasn't competitive in music, I wouldn't have pushed myself to practice to be where I am today.  Again, not to say that I'm perfect, or trying to sound stuck up, but as a humble fact, I am quite good at playing the piano.  14 years, countless hours and songs later, I love picking up a book and playing through the songs, or learning a new one, or simply sitting down and playing.  I couldn't have done that without a drive, or goal.

Thinking back to what was said a week ago connects with the past few weeks.  I've been trying to consider myself and who I am, what I am, and why.  Generally I think I come off as quiet, I've been told (which slightly irks me) that I sometimes seem nervous, and that I am a bit of a goody-good.  Though each has their moment, I'm still trying to decide which are "really" me.

Ever seen a crystal, or a cube or shape, or anything multi-faceted?  I think that's me.  I am quiet but vibrant, shy but outgoing, a listener but also speaker, humble but stubborn, enjoy long hair but love it short, independent but still very co-dependent.  It's a bit frustrating being so opposite of myself sometimes.  I haven't tended to be one to talk about myself usually, but more one to listen, except for this blog and when I feel like I'm going to bubble over if I don't share what's on my mind.  In an effort to be a pleaser, I tend to reflect who people are and want to see, and yet, in that process become just a multi-faceted mirror, hiding who the person is on the inside.  That makes it hard for relationships, because I wonder how often I have truly been myself, and not just "myself with you".

Contrasting myself with others, some certain and others just general, I've come to realize a few things about myself.  This has been in conjunction of trying to decide if, and to what degree I am competitive.

Realization #1- I am very competitive.  I've been trying since day one to do things ahead of my time.  Overachieving, rubbing up, stretching, shining, all in an effort to be realized not just for the accomplishments, but the effort taken to get there.  To show that I was someone special and amazing.  <-- plausible flaw #1

Realization #2- I hate rules.  Going along with the first thought, I think I like to step out of what is dictated as "normal" and set my own bounds.  In this sense, I absolutely don't like being told what to do, or being restricted in what I can do.  I like my freedom.  If my freedom means following the norm of society, then it can be seen as following the rules.  But sometimes I want to dance instead of walk, to sing instead of talk, and just be me.  I want to do things just because I can.  Even if it means making mistakes.  Yes, I want things to do, and goals to reach, and parameters to keep me and everyone else safe.  I can appreciate the necessity for rules.  Yes, I do greatly appreciate thoughts and considerations that help to grow or direct me, like someone saying to be brighter when I sing, or that I'm competitive.  But if it "hampers my style"....I'm going to be skeptical to accept it.  <-- plausible flaw #2

Realization #3- I am a relying independent.  Let me explain.  I usually take after myself.  I typically work by myself, get places and do things alone, and rarely find myself able to share personal feelings or emotions with others because I'm used to standing alone.  At the same time, I am stuck.  Currently waiting for my new job to start, and as such have no income.  It cramps a lot of things, not having money.  And while I am typically a solo- I still need others to stay sane, to take care of, and when I do create an attachment that gets broken, it's often hard to let go of.  Just go back to being yourself, Jen.  You know how.  But you don't want to.  While I can do a lot of things for myself, I know there's a lot to go before I am completely able to take care of myself. <-- plausible flaw #3

Realization #4- I am an adapter.  Something comes along, like a friend, circumstance, etc., and I adapt to life with it.  That things leaves, and I adapt to life without it.  It's a survival skill that keeps me going, but I wonder how attached I get to things sometimes.  Though I don't typically utilize it, I have the ability to pick things up or let them go and completely walk away, and I can be fine.  But I don't really like to usually.  But this adaptability....again, with the mirrored object.  I easily mold into whatever situation I'm in.  If people were puzzle pieces, I'd be the uncut piece that would look to see where it's needed before shaping myself to fit, as opposed to already being cast into my mold and finding a select few who I am compatible with.   Sometimes that's not the case.  But typically it is.  <-- plausible flaw #4

Realization #5- For someone who tries to look out for others and not think of herself, I am extremely self-centered.  It's a works in the making, and you have to realize that it's important to take care of yourself.  Maslow created a hierarchy that shows that you have to take care of the main foundation - yourself - before you can take care of the needs of others.  But looking back over these paragraphs, it makes me think of Mia on The Princess Diaries - at the end when she says how silly it is how many times a day we say the word "I".   Go 'head.  Though this is still quite conversational, it has a lot to do with me.  But this is still a self-examining, self-considering post, so there's gonna be some of me in it somewhere.  Actually, pretty sure this whole post screams narcissist. ;)  "Ctrl-find" how many times I've used the word "I", and lets graze over that and move on.  Anyway.  I think some self-denial is there, trying to say that I'm not thinking about me, but that I am always selflessly thinking of others.  But sometimes, I'm not.  A sub-realization is that part of it is reaching out, hoping that someone will reach back.  Golden rule, right?  But after so long of reaching out to others, I think I don't know how to allow them to reach back. <-- plausible flaw #5

Realization #6-  I know what I want, but not always.  Or if I do, I don't know how to get there, or I forget.  I want to be happy, but does happy mean by myself or with someone else?  I want to learn, but does that mean I enjoy going to school or not?  I want others to be happy, but does that mean I step back (yet again, it feels like) and allow them to be happy because they deserve it, or do they even deserve it, or do I?  I know what I want- or should want- but not always.  <-- plausible flaw #6

Last realization, #7- I am at a dilemma in my life.  Torn between so many things, it would take another day and too many blogpost drafts before I could ever post anything really about it, and I really probably never would.  But until I gather the courage to face this dilemma and see it from both sides- for there are surely two, and have the courage to face it as one me, with the knowledge and courage that I may need to change- until I can do this, I will be stuck without the ability to progress.  Stuck typing about it, trying to realign my thoughts without getting up and doing something about it.  So.  To get past this seventh flaw, or at least begin my journey against, with, and in conjunction with this adventure, I'm logging off, and leaving you to consider this and your own life, and see if you can find who you really are, too.  If you already know, take a two second break to pat yourself on the back and reach for your cup of hot chocolate, then continue on; for life always changes, and so; us with it.  I know I'll find and become who I really am.  In some ways, I think I already have, I just have to discover it for myself.  Until then, lace up.

The race has already begun, and I'm running it my way.  Forward, sideways, backwards, and with a dance along the way.  You can join if you wish.

Love, Me.

Announcements (No, not the kind you're thinking of)

Every once in a while I find myself sitting at my desk trying to do homework, but alas, 'tis to no avail.  It's usually those times when I either go looking for a snack, waste time on my computer, stare at my planner indefinitely, daydream, or blog.  Occasionally I do more than one at a time.

Tonight's random mumble of words comes from something I call Serendipity, which as shared by Cupcake is "finding something good without looking for it".  This can be in convincing your teacher to make your in-class midterm a take home due by the end of Friday, in walking barefoot in the drizzle of rain, or discovering yourself suddenly in the midst of love.  All very good things.

I've learned something in the past few weeks.  About love, and hardship, trust, honesty, hate, dedication, homework, and trials.  My status on Facebook last week read:

"This Week, conquered:
-9 papers, six due Tuesday.
-2 tests, because I decided to wait til Monday for the last one.
-350 pages of reading
-2 class presentation competitions
-Emotional days
and organizing Visiting Teaching. What now. I can do hard things.

All with less than 20 hours of sleep for the week. Yeah baby! It can only get better with General Conference this weekend!!! :)"

Yes, it is true.  Last week was one that I had serious doubts about surviving, but after Monday and all its hardships conquered, I realized I could do it, and the rest of the week, though hard, was bearable.  I'm realizing with each passing week that, yes last week was hard, but this next week is what's really going to be a challenge.

You know, I got on here with a specific purpose, but I can't remember for the life of me what that was.

Oh yes. Now I remember. General Conference was amazing, and the talks were centered very carefully around the questions and concerns I've had.  A lot about families, overcoming trials, and staying converted.  It will be great.  Also, this conference was monumental with the announcement that President Monson gave in the Saturday Morning Session about missionary work - young men can serve missions at 18 and young women at 19 if they so desire!!!!!!!!!!!  This is incredible!!! Usually, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints send young men out at the age of 19 and young women at 21 to be missionaries that spread the gospel and Christlike love and service to the world.  This OPTION is in hopes of bringing more people to the true knowledge of Christ and to help them know that He lives and is an influence in our lives.  This announcement will not only allow many more individuals to serve, but more to serve together.  I admit, while everyone is talking about RM (Returned Missionaries) dating experiences, changes in families, in school decisions, in life really, my first thought was - "Now boyfriends and girlfriends can serve at about the same time".  Crazy, huh?

With this great announcement, and the fact that I'm 20 and therefore "eligible", I had some thinking to do.  It took me about 10 slack-jawed, smile-starting seconds of my life to let this sink in, and while the second phase of excitement and implications set in, I considered it.  I haven't been planning on serving, what with Keys coming back in less than 9 months, and I'm in school, and have the calling and blessing of being Relief Society President.  That, and other reasons (aka boys).  Though I would confirm this a few days later in the temple as a request rather than question, my answer is still the same, and my decision firm.  I don't know why I need to announce it to the world, but just so you know, I'm not planning on serving a mission at this time.  In communicating, I made it clear that if it was His will that I would go, but if it was okay if I continued with my plans, would that be okay? - The answer was yes, and unless I get the huge urge to go, I'll wait until I can serve abroad with my husband.  I figure I can do a lot of good here, and someone needs to be around to date the poor boys with half of their dating prospects on missions. ;)

Kidding.

Mostly.  Anyway.  Life is busy, to the extreme.  Life is good.  Hard.  Tiring.  But, as I'm finding out- doable. For now, I'm going to bed.  Sweet dreams, world of wonder,

Love, Me.

It's Been Seven Years

Well, I wouldn't normally be posting frequently as I have been except for the fact that there are always anomalies in the universe, or events that would logically be the catalyst for me sitting here and typing about it.  Right now is something that I post about every year on or around the anniversary of a special time for me, which conveniently is today.

It's been seven years today.

I can't even hardly say it, it's so astounding to me- both that it's been so long and yet, not that long ago. I've blogged about it here and here, but in case you are not one of those people to click links, I'll tell you a bit.

Seven years ago I was so sick and dehydrated that my amazing doctor couldn't get a blood pressure from me.  A half hour later at Utah Valley Hospital, the nurses were changing shifts and trying to find ANY vein to get an IV in.  One finally got in my left hand, but unfortunately (but actually, fortunately) I wasn't having a diabetic reaction, so the insulin they gave me wasn't that good.  The line in my right arm got pulled out by accident when the nurse's glove got taped down and she turned to get something.  She almost cried.

I remember getting in a wheelchair, and into a bed.  Suddenly I remember being in another room, a bigger one right next to the nurse's station.  A higher intensive care room.  I remember chest pain, or, at least, that's what I remember from what my mom tells me.  Results from a heart monitor showed something similar to a heart attack, which the cardiologist who happened to be there at 10:00 that night (on the one night a week she went to UVRMC) was able to diagnose and order the Life Flight team to take me to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake.  All I could think was, "If this is my appendix like someone said 10 minutes ago, why can't they take it out here?  Heart Buddy (my best friend growing up) had to be life flighted, too, for her heart..." I can't even begin to imagine the devastating horror my parents must have been experiencing at this time, watching 15 doctors and nurses rush in and out of my room, tension rising by the second with each new failure we encountered.

That ride was by far the loudest and most painful ride I have yet encountered in my life.  But, another small miracle; the medicine I was given to make me sleep didn't take effect until after I had been in the Emergency Room in Salt Lake.  Normally out after 10-15 seconds, I lasted for about 15 minutes, a miracle we were told by the Life Flight nurse kept me alive.  I am forever indebted to her and the rest of the incredible (though  incredible is not quite appropriate enough a word) individuals who worked with everything they had to keep me alive.  And I don't even know her name to thank her.

Cardiac arrest is an interesting phenomenon.  Though in itself it is relatively painless, the events leading up and following were excruciating.  I awoke several times to doctors shouting my name, and an electrifying, screaming bolt of electricity would course through my body making it jump several inches off the table.  I would start running through the routine that they'd know I knew who I was still; "My name is Jenna King, I am 13 years old, I go to Dixon Middle School, my parents are Carson and...Susan..King, I-" and then my heart would stop again.  Sometimes when I woke up I would feel bad for causing so much trouble, and an "I'm sorry" would whimper out.  But mostly I said it hoping they'd get the hint.  I just wanted someone to say they were sorry for me.

Eventually unconsciousness took over and the next few days on life support are a blur to me, thanks to the medication.  Time was irrelevant, painfully long and yet preciously short as results would come back progressively worse with each one.  A ventilator took over breathing, since I wasn't doing it on my own.  A pacemaker so they didn't have to have to use the defibrillator would shock my heart every time it would stop (scar on my neck). What felt like millions of lines and devices plugged all over my body, and daily X-rays to show that my heart was twice the size it should have been.  Echocardiograms, EKG's, tests, saline, suction, imminent surgeries, worry.....and about a 10-17% estimated chance of surviving through one more night.

Then comes the time where you have done literally everything you can do, you have worked your hardest, tried all of your options, and you reach the end of your line, and have to sink down with your head in your hands, and painfully, tearfully admit that you cannot do anything else, and your best has not been sufficient.  In that moment, you are the blessed individual to experience the Atonement in your life as Heavenly Father steps in and figuratively parts the Red Sea - does the impossible.  He held my life in suspense, hovering just barely above the "line" where I would have to have surgery, or wouldn't make it.  Then, through the faith and prayers and fasting and tears of so many individuals, and His miraculous love and mercy, He blessed and allowed me to get better.

13 days after I entered, I was wheeled out of Primary Children's with astounding progress.  True, my heart was still swollen and leaking badly, my arms were bruised green and purple and red all up and down from the IV's, I was 5'8" (current height) and weighed 122 lbs, I couldn't walk far without needing a rest, but I was alive.  This trial that came to me and influenced myself and my family in the form of a virus called Myocarditis has shaped me and given me direction and a duty to become who I am today.  I suppose with this amazing experience that happened to me, I pledged my life to be someone who did things for other people and gave of myself not just because it was a good thing to do, but it was the right thing for me to do.  Sort of like a mission or calling or contract I have, to do and be an agent in the Lord's hands.  The conditions to continue living required I hand my plans over to the Lord and continue with His approvals, and make changes as He makes notes in my "Life Planner". It has resulted in a major change (haha) - from Music Ed, though helpful and satisfying I'm sure it could have been, to Family Studies at BYU.  To let go of some dreams and find place for others.  To learn that I loved taking care of and serving others more than anything else.  To direct my focus on Him.




It's been a long road.  So many things have happened and changed -of which I am grateful for- and in many ways I have grown.  Too many to be named here.  Also, not everyone's story turns out like mine.  Sometimes we give all we can, and the Lord still says, "Not this time".  Your faith might be stronger than mine.  Your circumstances and needs greater, and yet, for a test of your faith, you hear "Not yet".  My question for you is- can you still stand strong and resolute as if you had received a "Yes"?

This hasn't been the most detailed version of the experience I've told, but for today, I've shared what I deemed necessary.  Just letting the world know that I have risen from an event seven years ago that had the great potential to stop me in my tracks.  But of course, I'm stubborn and strong willed, but most of all extremely blessed.  Now I just hope that with this, I'm doing what I should be.  It's been seven years, and a great journey, for sure, filled with light, learning, laughter, love, music, joy, pain, sorrow, disappointment, happiness, gratitude, and more.  I'm glad He's in charge.

Love, Me.

Ps. School's started this week. I'm a Junior. Homework's crazy. But hopefully, it'll be good.

Yeah, it will be. :)

Lessons I Learned While Sailing...

So a few nights ago for a ward activity we went sailing on Utah Lake in Provo.  At first there was pretty much no wind, hardly a breeze, so we paddled around and splashed each other to our hearts content, came back to shore to dock and have treats (Happy birthday, Brave), then all got excited when we saw some of our group out on the water - Sailing.  Not just floating around, but real life, honest to goodness, caught a breeze and they were sailing.

So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls.  Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern.  I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.

Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas.  Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.

The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.

I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me.  But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did.  I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others.  I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it.  Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad.  If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.

Which is exactly where we found ourselves.  It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake.  Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again.  The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too."  But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful.  I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun."  Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized.  We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now.  Only, we couldn't.

Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.

This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof.  Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it.  Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience.  Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.

The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church.  He  described three types of boats to us- 

The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones. 

The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it. 


The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving.  Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be?  The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in.  The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything.  But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed.  I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter.  I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard.  Especially when it was hard.  Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.  

And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.

There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story.  Defeat.  Distaste.  Guilt.  Disappointment.  Sorrow.  Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.

Back to the story.  We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again.  The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore.  Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward.  These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain.  I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back.  Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid.  Let me explain that.  There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight.  I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry.  I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.

Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back.  However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!"  Yep, we agreed.  We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.

A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.

3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.

4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak.  We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable.   When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.

5) There are more chances to come back than we know.  The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come.  Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.  

6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back.  Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place.  But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster.  True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.

7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent".  Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip.  Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell.  Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.

8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree.  You will.  Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.

9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast.  And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it. 

10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away.  It's a trap.  It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!

11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience.  I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not.  It's dangerous.  You aren't You.  And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.

12) There are saviors in this life.  Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it.  They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven.  He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe

13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission.  Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it.  I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help.  We weren't physically drowning- yet.  But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.

14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others.  I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to.  I'm sorry.

15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes.  Some greater than others.  Some longer lasting.  But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned.  Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes.  But we keep trying.

There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life.  From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others.  Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade.  I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience.  My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it.  I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.

More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life.  But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming.  Open your eyes and look for it.  Help is there.

Love, Me.

Buckle up, get set, go!

Sometimes when you get on here, it's because you have something on your mind and you just need to spit it out so that it can be sorted and understood a little better. Occasionally there's a story to be told, or an event that needs mentioning.

This time, I don't know why I'm on here, other than just for the joy of blogging.

I did apply for a job as a receptionist at BYU today, in the Ancient Scripture department. We'll see how that goes. :)  I helped "cater" a wedding last Saturday, from 10:30am-10:30pm, with a 3 hour break at three when I got to go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple.  I absolutely love it there. The peace that's in there...mmm. I've missed it.  Working was fun, too, I was surprised. I kind of like manual labor, as weird as that sounds. Any work can be good, but this was fun. I got there, had some instructions, then they said, "Okay, you're in charge now", and I was...and it was great! I did start to get tired at about 8:30 that evening...and it would have helped to have another worker, but what we had worked well. I have to admit, although humbly, that I think I surprised people there. They thought I was older, so awesome for helping even though I wasn't related (although I did get paid, so it was kind of nice that way, haha), and was surprised that I had been there since that morning and was still going strong and knew where everything went...honestly...I think it was because I enjoyed what I was doing, and had been to the temple.  Whatever reason, it was a good experience.

So, yeah. This is a weird post, but it matches me.  I'm meeting new friends, keeping up with old ones, and having a good time in between. Life is crazy, life is busy, life is good, life is...life.

School starts in 3 weeks.  I'm kind of excited and mostly not ready for summer to be over. I like my summers. :)

Anyhow, there's my update. Ciao,

Love, Me.

An Update...on a Snowless Winter

Life's been full lately.  Interesting, good, happy, sad, busy...you name it, it's probably happened or happening.  I finished Winter Semester, and am in the middle of my second week of Spring Term.  I made the wonderful decision to take SFL 290- Critical Inquiry and Research Methods so I can take all of my other classes in the fall.  I'm taking a break from studying for our first unit exam tomorrow, and getting ready for the next one that starts Friday.  This class is intense.  Fun, but intense.

Anyhow.  A little while back my good friend Kayla and I (I haven't come up with an alias for her yet) did a photo-shoot.  So. Much. Fun!!! I loved it.  Here's some of the pics......I love them all. :)

Thanks Kayla. You're the best. :)


Also, I think I have failed to introduce you to my best friend, Cupcake. (Aka...Becca.)  We do pretty much everything together- talk, eat, play, study, talk, adventure, console, congratulate, talk, play...you name it.  Here's us after a much needed temple visit before Finals:

This is pretty much us. :)

Through the good times and the bad, we have each other.  We even match outfits and hairdo's without planning! People say they think we could even look related.  Funny thing is...we're so different, but so much the same, too.  Like that song on Tarzan (You'll be in My Heart)..."we're not that different at all".  I love my best friend Becca, she's helped me through SO MUCH this past semester. :)

Way back in January after FHE one night a group of us went and lit lanterns for the Chinese New Year.  Oh. My. Wow. Loved it.  I absolutely love Tangled, and this was amazing.  And the company was fantastic, too. :)

"The Wardies"...thanks guys. :) And my lantern. Sigh.
The Lanterns marked the beginning of a remarkably wonderful and tough time.  I suppose they are a representation of letting a part of me grow (and go), and making room for the next stage of learning and growing to come in.  Interesting when you get what you wish for.  This was at the beginning of the semester, and also the catalyst for Becca and I meeting.  I'm kind of going out of order here, and skipping quite a bit, but...all you need to know is that Orem 8th Ward is the coolest Single's Ward you'll ever come across.  Commander, Cupcake, "Blink", Co-chair, Zion Sis, Organ Buddy, and everyone else....thank you for the experiences we've shared.  You are really the best. :)

One last thing. 

For FHE (Ps. I'm a Co-Chair FHE leader. In case you didn't know.) last week we made 1,000 paper cranes. 

Yes, 1,000.

That's a lot of paper cranes.  That's a lot of folding, hours, and care.  We started a couple weeks in advance and had 500 before that night, but still.  500 is a lot!  We did it for a friend in our ward that's been very sick.  We believe in the Atonement with everything we have, but it was also fun to create a "good luck wish/charm" for him to show how much we care. 

The group you see are the faithful that stayed til 10:30 folding. We actually by happy chance ended up with 1,022 paper cranes, and after the efforts of some 40 people, we had this.....

Love it.

Yep.  I can hardly believe how fast time is flying, and it is really flying.  This has been a brief overview of some of my favorite highlights.  I've started a more in-depth post probably 5 times, but I doubt those will ever surface.  For now, things are going amiably.  I still get lonely at times, still sometimes get frustrated, but those are being outweighed by the times of peace and joy.  Also, prayers have been answered. 

That's all I can say. 

Love you all, I wish you the best whoever and where ever you may be.  Truly.  A phrase that is shared whenever we feel low (please apply to yourself):

"Chin up, princess (prince). Things'll work out.  You need to have your eyes up to see what God wants you to see."

I Seek The Kingdom.

Love, Me.

Waves

Empty.

Emptiness inside.

Hollow, like an empty jug.

Indifference, little care for much of anything.

Tension. Rising frustration, anxious. Questioning, Hoping, Probing, Wondering-

Back.

Back to reality with a snap.

Realizing my ears have been turned off.

My mind tuned elsewhere.

Missing what's happening, what's been said.

So unsure. Where once I was, now I question.
Can so many things change, and both still be right?

What am I doing?  What and who do I want?

Questioning. Furrowed brow and worried chin.

Aching chest and squeezing heart.

Holding breath to quell the ache.

A thought, and butterflies run up my skin.

A shudder of pleasure, like a wave running through my body.

My heart skips and dances.  My thoughts leap.

I feel whole. I feel happy. And suddenly, I feel great.

Another thought, and I come crashing down through the glass floor agian.

Lying there amidst the shattered glass, dazed a bit.

Looking around me, brushing the pieces from myself.

Swallowing the fears.  Hiding the tears.

Hiding. Always hiding.

What I really want. Who I really am.

Hiding to protect.  To stay safe.

Hardly daring to open up, for fear of having to close again...

Back.  Back to reality.

Back to the floor, with glass around me, because of me.

I brush off my hands, lace up my shoes, get up on my feet,

And dance again.

Wondering.

Spinning.

Questioning.

Hoping.

Pausing.

Looking.

Nothing.

Locking.

Quiet.

Still.

Love, Me.

Leap, Fly, Sing

Sitting quietly
Silently pondering
on things of the Future,
Present
and Past.

Sorting through feelings,
Re-running memories,
Filing
and Feeling
and Thinking.
Of what?

Everything.
And Nothing.
This, and that. Here,
and Tomorrow.
Back and Then,

Over and over,
New once again.
Repeating,
Echoing,
Silent. Again...

I'm back where I sat.
Invisibly seen.
Quietly conscious of what
this Could mean.

Rhyming on some.
Telling on others.
Content and I Wonder.
Where does the time go?

I forget it's December.
I hear whisp'rings of Spring.
I want to go Running,
or Flying,
or sing.

Something. . .
Something.

Inside me it's Spring.


Love, Me.

Waiting...

Waiting, waiting, waiting, waiting........

What am I waiting for?


Hmm.








Let's put a pin in this one.

Love, Me.

Life

Sometimes I don't know what to do.
Should I sit? Sing? Dance? Draw?
So I get on here, and blog.

Sometimes my insides just sit there and wait,
Just sit there and sit there,
Doing nothing. Barey moving, barely noticable.

Others a part of my soul is pushing at all parts of reality,

Trapped,

And can hardly contain a gut-wrenching scream to all parts of the universe.

Sometimes a part of me wants to sit in a hammock,
In my own little corner of the world,
And sit there and weep and breathe and cry.

Occasionally I'll get anxious, and restless,
And my fingers will play long, fast scales up and down the keyboard.
So long and hard it makes my arms ache.

Sometimes I stay up late into the night,

Because I can't sleep, can't dream.

Can't dream. For all the sweetness it brings, waking hurts.

Once I sat out with a friend, watching a movies under the stars.
I sat for long periods of time watching the sky,
And the moon, and the stars. Forgoing the movie. Just observing.

Sometimes I just want to talk.
Just talk. Remember. Nothing else.
Just, talk.

Of course, just as often I'd rather listen.
Hear others express themselves.
Because it's nice to be heard.

Sometimes I wonder, how can someone be so torn, so confused?

Content, and filled with longing at the same time?

Wonder, and yet know the reason why the whole time?

One day I'll know. I'll be fine.

Til then, I'll keep walking down this long, dusty road.

Longing, Listening, Loving. Learning.

Love, Me.

The most beautiful place on earth...

...and I get to live here for the next few days.

Idaho is amazing. I am absolutely in love with it, and have been since I was born.  I'm up here on the "King Farm" in Moore...a town outside of Arco and Lost River...where the famous King Mountain is that hang-gliders lift off of.  The sunsets are spectacular, the air is clear, the weather wonderful...and up here, you can understand the phrase in America the Beautiful: Amber waves of grain. Truly, beauty in one of it's best forms.

Tuesday I had a neat experience. Backing up, I went to the Single's Branch with three of my boy cousins, and the oldest of the three said he was going to do Baptisms for the Dead with the youth of the Arco ward.  So I got to ride with him, and do some family names, and go inside the Idaho Falls Temple for the first time.  Wow. So beautiful. They're doing construction work outside on the Temple grounds, but I got some good pictures of the Temple itself...and the falls across the street were magnificent.  Tristan said they were especially pretty when they had rocks at the edge of the falls, but still, I thought they were nice.

 

I drove my little brother on the three-wheeler over to the river down the ways, and we waded in it for a while on Monday.  The water was cold...but you didn't notice after a while. ;) We did manage to lose one of his sandals, and despite our best efforts to retrieve it...nada... Oops. :P BUT!!! We went back yesterday, and it had gone down some, and we found it stuck on a piece of wood! Hallelujah! :)

This place has completely taken my heart...I wonder how I'll be able to return to home in Utah on Monday. :-/  I love Orem, and the people and where we live...but I can't seem to get over how this place is.  I've seriously thought about living up here in a few years when I'm older and perhaps out of college...course, I could always transfer to BYU-I. Right? Eh... Not completely sure. I guess I'm just loving this change of pace.  This scenery.  The love of family and friends that is up here.  Something.  Blogger has been frustrating me for the past few minutes, as I've tried to add a few more pictures a few days after I first posted this.  I had things ready, we stopped to get lunch, and I came back and my tumbdrive wasn't working, and my post had been deleted. (Gah!!) Thank goodness for ctrl-Z. :P Anyhow, here's the updated version. :)

...Here's some more pictures.

When Nathan and I went over to the river yesterday, we'd planned on coming home after about an hour. Nice amount of time to get a nice little tan, right? Well, then our family came, and we stayed for another couple of hours. I'd gotten sunscreen on before we went...but you can see how that went. This is how I am now...semi-red on the arms, and red and white on the top. :P

We went out to take some updated pictures for grandma's wall...but the wind was blowing, so we'll probably wait until later tonight. We got these this afternoon.

These are some evening shots of the farm...

This one is my favorite right now. :)

Utah is definitely good. But it's nice to know that I can always call Idaho Home. :)

Love, Me.

"Nice.....jinx."

I think blogging comes in spurts. Here's an actual play of events from today, between me and my brother...

Me [Singing]: "Tomorrow night the lights will appear. Just like they do on MY birthday each year..." [I had just realized that my life fits quite well with Rapunzel's from Tangled.] (mutters) Unless my birthday's on a Sunday.

Guido: What?

Me: The song? From Tangled? Lights will appear in the sky tomorrow, like they do every year, unless my birthday coincides [HA!! (See a previous post if you're confused)] with a Sunday.

Guido: What?? What's the date tomorrow? It's not the Fourth!?

Me: I know. Tomorrow's the 2nd, and it's the Stadium of Fire. They're having David Archuleta sing.

Guid: Who's that?  (HA! again. Movie quote.)

Me: He was on American Idol. It was between him and another David. The other David won.

Guid: So, in other words, they're having a loser sing?

Haha, so, that was it. I thought it was funny, and hope it brightened your day some. :)
Ps. If you're a David Archuleta fan, I'm sorry to have offended you.

Happy 4th of July celebrations!!! :D Yay for FREEDOM!!!

Love, Me.

Hey it's June.

I got my tonsils out last week.  And my turbinates trimmed.  And so guess what?? I CAN NOW BREATHE THROUGH MY NOSE!!!!! :) It's been about 5 years since I've been able to do that, and it's amazing! I love it!!

It's now day 9, and my pain has gone down quite a bit, thankfully.  I'm still on pain meds every four hours, but the dose is lower, thankfully.  So, I'm still sleepy and dizzy a lot, but at least I can do things.  Like eat real food.  I've had more mid-night snacks in this past week than I have in a long time, haha.  My left side of my throat is more open than my right side, I'm not sure if I'm having an OCD moment over that or not. But oh well.  Ps. I'm "doing better", not "all the way better".  So my comments here may be a little out of order.

But anyways, life for the past week has been mostly eat, sleep, medicine, watch movies, repeat.  Not a bad life. I think I've seen half of Disney/Pixar's animated movies, again. Those ones are cute, but don't make you laugh too hard, usually.  Laughing still hurts. :P  But I'm waaaay super excited that I'm finally doing something for summer vacation- Zoe Taylor and I are hanging out tonight!!  It's the BYU Spring Chorale's concert in the HFAC...good luck, John!!  I was in University Chorale last Fall.  It was fun.  I sang.

(But what else would you expect?) ;)

Anyhow.  It's June, everyone!! My birthday is in a month and a day.  What should I get for my birthday?  Maybe I'll paint my walls, that would be fun.  It sounds fun to me.  After spending so much time in my room, looking at my blank walls, I think it's time for something in there.

Have you ever seen Kid History?? Look it up on youtube!! Here, I'll post the first one.  They're hilarious, I love them. :)  Watch them. :)

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=80entLldZOg

Anyhow, have a good day. :)

Love, Me.

Living the Lord's Will.

So, an update on my life.          Sort of.

Summer vacation is going well.  Except for, it's not actually summer yet.  It's still spring, and rainy.  I like the rain.  I like the sound and smell of it, and the fact that if it rains, I don't have to worry about watering the lawn that day. ;)  Sunday I ran in the rain with some good friends.  (Still in my church clothes.)  My hair frizzed after that, but it was still fun.  Next time, I'm using my ninja skills to dodge all the raindrops.  Hahahaha. :)

Speaking of which, it was my Best Friend's Mission Farewell on Sunday. :-/ He's entering the MTC this Wednesday...(tomorrow)...to prepare to serve the Lord and His people in Bogota, Colombia.  Isn't that neat??? :)  It sounds so exciting, to be in an exotic place for two years, devoting all your energy into serving and teaching others.  It makes me so happy that he's doing it.


Me and Keys. :)

 Happy enough to almost forget to be sad.  Heh, man.  I was doing so well, too.  I know it's the right thing, and am so thrilled that he's doing this.  It'll be a good learning experience for both of us, I know.  And we've had lots of time to play beforehand.  If I didn't have the confirmation that this is the Lord's Will, I would be having a harder time, I think.  Anyway.  Preparing myself for this, I promised myself that I would be strong, happy and supportive, so that "goodbye" wouldn't be so hard.  I did quite well, I think.  I didn't feel overly "sad and melloncally", which I took to be a good sign.  I got thinking to myself, "this is gonna be alright", and you know, it pretty much was.  I was good until the hug goodbye.  Then suddenly I realized what was happening, and I let go of all the strong and happy feelings in that one moment, and cried.  Out of sadness? I suppose. But I think it was more of fondly reflecting over one page in a book, and flipping to the next one. 

[I'm taking a moment and stepping away from my life's story here, and contemplating for a bit.  This doesn't particularly sound like a "blog post".  But, is there a certain Code of Conduct on how you're supposed to sound like on your blog?  Or is it just guidelines of what I've read in others? :j (shrug).  Back to the story, anyhow...]

There comes a moment in your life when you know that no matter how hard you may want it, or want to want something, you can't get it back.  And it's honestly the biggest relief to let it go.  The best way for this to happen is when your heart is full, and even though you may still be crying, you feel at peace because of the Spirit that is in your life, comforting you because that is His job.  I've looked back and observed myself and others change, and sometimes even get a glimpse of it in action.  As he walked back to his house, I realized at that moment that a page had been turned in both of our lives; he looked like an Elder, and I am a woman and Daughter of God with things to do in the meantime.  I'm doing fine, because I know that the future will be even more exit (short for exciting) and fun-filled, and (pause for 11:11) I have the knowledge and comfort that I am trying my best to live the Lord's Will, and no matter what everything will turn out all right. All Right.

Heh. Well, now that I've been telling you a bit of my life, I might as well tell the rest.  I'm having surgery Thursday.  Surprise!! (To you, not to me. I already know about it.) ;)  For at least 5 years I haven't been able to breathe through my nose properly, and never seem to fully recover from colds.  So, sometime on Thursday (don't know when yet, I'll find out tomorrow) I'll go and get my Turbinates trimmed and Tonsils/Adenoids removed.  Then the doctor said I'll hate him for about two weeks.  I sure hope not. :P  But just in case, I'm not starting Summer Lessons til midway through June.  It's kind of hard to do my job as a piano/voice teacher when I won't be able to talk and sing, don't you think? :P  I love my kids, though.  We had our End of Shule (School) recital last Friday; I'm so proud of them all.  We've all come a long way in a year.  :j  I'm excited for another one.

Oh, and.......I changed my major. Surprise #2!!!  Months of deliberating and careful prayers have brought me to feel confident in my decision that though it would be fun and rewarding, Music Ed is not for me.  This has been a hard decision.  But, I did teach for three years in High School, I'm still teaching now, and I don't have to have a degree for what I'm doing.  So what am I changing my major to?? Well, dear School of Family Life, please accept another student.  Family Life is the one I've chosen.  I actually don't know what I can do with this degree, I'm going to have to research it more.  But it's not difficult for me to happily admit that Someone Else is directing me right now.  If it turns out that this changes again, so be it.  But, honestly, I'm grateful for a change...Family life will take me about 2.5-3 years to do, I'm thinking, as opposed to the 4.5-5 years for Music Ed.

I can assure you that this past month/week has been interesting.  Only a little more than a month out of shule, and look where I am!!  Crazy!!  There have been ups, downs, and in-betweens, and I'm trying my best to keep things up.  There's a better view from there.  Schedule for the summer: get better, work/teach, smile, laugh, play, love, learn, paint my room/mural, grow, go to the Temple, etc.  As long as I'm living the way I'm supposed to, I'm okay with that. :)

I love you all, thanks for letting me ramble again. :) I'd apologize for getting so personal, but it is my blog. ;)Til the next time,

Love, Me.

If I had a frying pan...

Teacher?

Learner?

Student?

Which one?

All three?

Ps. I think I'm gonna have a major change here......

.....but that's what life's about, right??

That and....eating...tacos.  I like tacos.  I should go to bed.  Cause it's late. 

And Saturday.  (It's tomorrow today, this morning tonight; I just want to say that curls are all right.  And that I love Tangled.)  That's it.

"This is either brilliance, or madness."

"Amazing how often those two co-incide."

Goodnight,

Jennenenenenenenenenenenenenenenna :)

Love, Me.

May the forth be with you...

Ha. Hahahaha. Lisp. Happy Star Wars day...

I haven't really been so much into blogging this year, I think.  Things have happened.  I just...haven't been blogging.

Is that a bad thing?  I don't think so....

But, just letting you know, I'm alive.  :) Very happily out of shule (school) for the next four months.  Still teaching piano and voice, and cleaning/spending time with my mom.  Enjoying the warmer weather.  Ahh, this is what Spring's about, eh?  It's good. :)

Have a good day,

Love, Me.