So a few nights ago for a ward activity we went sailing on Utah Lake in Provo. At first there was pretty much no wind, hardly a breeze, so we paddled around and splashed each other to our hearts content, came back to shore to dock and have treats (Happy birthday, Brave), then all got excited when we saw some of our group out on the water - Sailing. Not just floating around, but real life, honest to goodness, caught a breeze and they were
sailing.
So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls. Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern. I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.
Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas. Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.
The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.
I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me. But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did. I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others. I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad. If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.
Which is exactly where we found ourselves. It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake. Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again. The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too." But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful. I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun." Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized. We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now. Only, we couldn't.
Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.
This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof. Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it. Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience. Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.
The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church. He described three types of boats to us-
The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones.
The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it.
The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving. Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be? The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in. The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything. But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed. I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter. I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.
And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.
There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story. Defeat. Distaste. Guilt. Disappointment. Sorrow. Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.
Back to the story. We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again. The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore. Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward. These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain. I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back. Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid. Let me explain that. There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight. I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry. I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back. However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!" Yep, we agreed. We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.
A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.
3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.
4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak. We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable. When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.
5) There are more chances to come back than we know. The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come. Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.
6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back. Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place. But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster. True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.
7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent". Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip. Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell. Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.
8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree. You will. Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.
9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast. And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it.
10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away. It's a trap. It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!
11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience. I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not. It's dangerous. You aren't You. And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.
12) There are saviors in this life. Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it. They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven. He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe
13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission. Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it. I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help. We weren't physically drowning- yet. But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.
14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others. I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to. I'm sorry.
15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes. Some greater than others. Some longer lasting. But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned. Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes. But we keep trying.
There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life. From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others. Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade. I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience. My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it. I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.
More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life. But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming. Open your eyes and look for it. Help is there.
Love, Me.
