Merry Christmas. :)
Love, Me.
Love, Me.
Tuesday, December 25, 2012
Friday, November 23, 2012
Self Consideration
Today's Thanksgiving. I'm grateful for many things, too many to mention here, but just so you know, I am grateful. For health, growth, learning, and a chance to better every aspect of our lives, and more.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. :)
It is also now "Grey Thursday", as some stores have opened early for their "Black Friday" sales. Which I think is ridiculous. I feel like the sacredness of this holiday is being stripped off and thrown away like a lot of other things lately - family, religion, and such. The boundaries and guidelines that once held us together are being loosened and overlooked, so the meaning and safety that was inside is let go as well. I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, I'm just wondering how much and what we change is good?
This thought process is held in close with another thought I have. I had a conversation a week ago where I was discussing various aspects of my life, and a very good friend and mentor told me (with slight hesitation) that I was competitive. I kind of laughed and wanted to disagree (which would have proved their point), because I didn't feel like I was. I simply was tired of the current circumstances, was tired of always sitting back, and wanted to.....oh. Right. I can see how that's competing. But, kindly they said, "If you weren't competitive you wouldn't be so good at piano and organ", and I was very gracious and thankful for them for that. For noticing, and taking the consideration to point out a characteristic that I have, potentially positive or negative, and applying it positively to my life. I appreciate that. As I've been thinking lately they are, of course, quite right. Being competitive was reaffirmed when I went to my brother's piano recital where he and his duet partner "competed" for a superior rating on their songs. And I missed it. Oh so bad. I wanted to re-experience that nerve-wracking rush knowing that you have a song to perform that you've been working on for sometimes months, and you know you're good at it and want to impress the judges. Impress. That's another word that I think applies to me. I always want to impress. Impress --> linked with Compete.
Though constantly one-upping someone isn't so good, I think that competitiveness is important in life. It keeps us moving and progressing, and helps us to realize our strengths and weaknesses. If I wasn't competitive in music, I wouldn't have pushed myself to practice to be where I am today. Again, not to say that I'm perfect, or trying to sound stuck up, but as a humble fact, I am quite good at playing the piano. 14 years, countless hours and songs later, I love picking up a book and playing through the songs, or learning a new one, or simply sitting down and playing. I couldn't have done that without a drive, or goal.
Thinking back to what was said a week ago connects with the past few weeks. I've been trying to consider myself and who I am, what I am, and why. Generally I think I come off as quiet, I've been told (which slightly irks me) that I sometimes seem nervous, and that I am a bit of a goody-good. Though each has their moment, I'm still trying to decide which are "really" me.
Ever seen a crystal, or a cube or shape, or anything multi-faceted? I think that's me. I am quiet but vibrant, shy but outgoing, a listener but also speaker, humble but stubborn, enjoy long hair but love it short, independent but still very co-dependent. It's a bit frustrating being so opposite of myself sometimes. I haven't tended to be one to talk about myself usually, but more one to listen, except for this blog and when I feel like I'm going to bubble over if I don't share what's on my mind. In an effort to be a pleaser, I tend to reflect who people are and want to see, and yet, in that process become just a multi-faceted mirror, hiding who the person is on the inside. That makes it hard for relationships, because I wonder how often I have truly been myself, and not just "myself with you".
Contrasting myself with others, some certain and others just general, I've come to realize a few things about myself. This has been in conjunction of trying to decide if, and to what degree I am competitive.
Realization #1- I am very competitive. I've been trying since day one to do things ahead of my time. Overachieving, rubbing up, stretching, shining, all in an effort to be realized not just for the accomplishments, but the effort taken to get there. To show that I was someone special and amazing. <-- plausible flaw #1
Realization #2- I hate rules. Going along with the first thought, I think I like to step out of what is dictated as "normal" and set my own bounds. In this sense, I absolutely don't like being told what to do, or being restricted in what I can do. I like my freedom. If my freedom means following the norm of society, then it can be seen as following the rules. But sometimes I want to dance instead of walk, to sing instead of talk, and just be me. I want to do things just because I can. Even if it means making mistakes. Yes, I want things to do, and goals to reach, and parameters to keep me and everyone else safe. I can appreciate the necessity for rules. Yes, I do greatly appreciate thoughts and considerations that help to grow or direct me, like someone saying to be brighter when I sing, or that I'm competitive. But if it "hampers my style"....I'm going to be skeptical to accept it. <-- plausible flaw #2
Realization #3- I am a relying independent. Let me explain. I usually take after myself. I typically work by myself, get places and do things alone, and rarely find myself able to share personal feelings or emotions with others because I'm used to standing alone. At the same time, I am stuck. Currently waiting for my new job to start, and as such have no income. It cramps a lot of things, not having money. And while I am typically a solo- I still need others to stay sane, to take care of, and when I do create an attachment that gets broken, it's often hard to let go of. Just go back to being yourself, Jen. You know how. But you don't want to. While I can do a lot of things for myself, I know there's a lot to go before I am completely able to take care of myself. <-- plausible flaw #3
Realization #4- I am an adapter. Something comes along, like a friend, circumstance, etc., and I adapt to life with it. That things leaves, and I adapt to life without it. It's a survival skill that keeps me going, but I wonder how attached I get to things sometimes. Though I don't typically utilize it, I have the ability to pick things up or let them go and completely walk away, and I can be fine. But I don't really like to usually. But this adaptability....again, with the mirrored object. I easily mold into whatever situation I'm in. If people were puzzle pieces, I'd be the uncut piece that would look to see where it's needed before shaping myself to fit, as opposed to already being cast into my mold and finding a select few who I am compatible with. Sometimes that's not the case. But typically it is. <-- plausible flaw #4
Realization #5- For someone who tries to look out for others and not think of herself, I am extremely self-centered. It's a works in the making, and you have to realize that it's important to take care of yourself. Maslow created a hierarchy that shows that you have to take care of the main foundation - yourself - before you can take care of the needs of others. But looking back over these paragraphs, it makes me think of Mia on The Princess Diaries - at the end when she says how silly it is how many times a day we say the word "I". Go 'head. Though this is still quite conversational, it has a lot to do with me. But this is still a self-examining, self-considering post, so there's gonna be some of me in it somewhere. Actually, pretty sure this whole post screams narcissist. ;) "Ctrl-find" how many times I've used the word "I", and lets graze over that and move on. Anyway. I think some self-denial is there, trying to say that I'm not thinking about me, but that I am always selflessly thinking of others. But sometimes, I'm not. A sub-realization is that part of it is reaching out, hoping that someone will reach back. Golden rule, right? But after so long of reaching out to others, I think I don't know how to allow them to reach back. <-- plausible flaw #5
Realization #6- I know what I want, but not always. Or if I do, I don't know how to get there, or I forget. I want to be happy, but does happy mean by myself or with someone else? I want to learn, but does that mean I enjoy going to school or not? I want others to be happy, but does that mean I step back (yet again, it feels like) and allow them to be happy because they deserve it, or do they even deserve it, or do I? I know what I want- or should want- but not always. <-- plausible flaw #6
Last realization, #7- I am at a dilemma in my life. Torn between so many things, it would take another day and too many blogpost drafts before I could ever post anything really about it, and I really probably never would. But until I gather the courage to face this dilemma and see it from both sides- for there are surely two, and have the courage to face it as one me, with the knowledge and courage that I may need to change- until I can do this, I will be stuck without the ability to progress. Stuck typing about it, trying to realign my thoughts without getting up and doing something about it. So. To get past this seventh flaw, or at least begin my journey against, with, and in conjunction with this adventure, I'm logging off, and leaving you to consider this and your own life, and see if you can find who you really are, too. If you already know, take a two second break to pat yourself on the back and reach for your cup of hot chocolate, then continue on; for life always changes, and so; us with it. I know I'll find and become who I really am. In some ways, I think I already have, I just have to discover it for myself. Until then, lace up.
The race has already begun, and I'm running it my way. Forward, sideways, backwards, and with a dance along the way. You can join if you wish.
Love, Me.
Happy Thanksgiving everyone. :)
It is also now "Grey Thursday", as some stores have opened early for their "Black Friday" sales. Which I think is ridiculous. I feel like the sacredness of this holiday is being stripped off and thrown away like a lot of other things lately - family, religion, and such. The boundaries and guidelines that once held us together are being loosened and overlooked, so the meaning and safety that was inside is let go as well. I'm not saying that change is a bad thing, I'm just wondering how much and what we change is good?
This thought process is held in close with another thought I have. I had a conversation a week ago where I was discussing various aspects of my life, and a very good friend and mentor told me (with slight hesitation) that I was competitive. I kind of laughed and wanted to disagree (which would have proved their point), because I didn't feel like I was. I simply was tired of the current circumstances, was tired of always sitting back, and wanted to.....oh. Right. I can see how that's competing. But, kindly they said, "If you weren't competitive you wouldn't be so good at piano and organ", and I was very gracious and thankful for them for that. For noticing, and taking the consideration to point out a characteristic that I have, potentially positive or negative, and applying it positively to my life. I appreciate that. As I've been thinking lately they are, of course, quite right. Being competitive was reaffirmed when I went to my brother's piano recital where he and his duet partner "competed" for a superior rating on their songs. And I missed it. Oh so bad. I wanted to re-experience that nerve-wracking rush knowing that you have a song to perform that you've been working on for sometimes months, and you know you're good at it and want to impress the judges. Impress. That's another word that I think applies to me. I always want to impress. Impress --> linked with Compete.
Though constantly one-upping someone isn't so good, I think that competitiveness is important in life. It keeps us moving and progressing, and helps us to realize our strengths and weaknesses. If I wasn't competitive in music, I wouldn't have pushed myself to practice to be where I am today. Again, not to say that I'm perfect, or trying to sound stuck up, but as a humble fact, I am quite good at playing the piano. 14 years, countless hours and songs later, I love picking up a book and playing through the songs, or learning a new one, or simply sitting down and playing. I couldn't have done that without a drive, or goal.
Thinking back to what was said a week ago connects with the past few weeks. I've been trying to consider myself and who I am, what I am, and why. Generally I think I come off as quiet, I've been told (which slightly irks me) that I sometimes seem nervous, and that I am a bit of a goody-good. Though each has their moment, I'm still trying to decide which are "really" me.
Ever seen a crystal, or a cube or shape, or anything multi-faceted? I think that's me. I am quiet but vibrant, shy but outgoing, a listener but also speaker, humble but stubborn, enjoy long hair but love it short, independent but still very co-dependent. It's a bit frustrating being so opposite of myself sometimes. I haven't tended to be one to talk about myself usually, but more one to listen, except for this blog and when I feel like I'm going to bubble over if I don't share what's on my mind. In an effort to be a pleaser, I tend to reflect who people are and want to see, and yet, in that process become just a multi-faceted mirror, hiding who the person is on the inside. That makes it hard for relationships, because I wonder how often I have truly been myself, and not just "myself with you".
Contrasting myself with others, some certain and others just general, I've come to realize a few things about myself. This has been in conjunction of trying to decide if, and to what degree I am competitive.
Realization #1- I am very competitive. I've been trying since day one to do things ahead of my time. Overachieving, rubbing up, stretching, shining, all in an effort to be realized not just for the accomplishments, but the effort taken to get there. To show that I was someone special and amazing. <-- plausible flaw #1
Realization #2- I hate rules. Going along with the first thought, I think I like to step out of what is dictated as "normal" and set my own bounds. In this sense, I absolutely don't like being told what to do, or being restricted in what I can do. I like my freedom. If my freedom means following the norm of society, then it can be seen as following the rules. But sometimes I want to dance instead of walk, to sing instead of talk, and just be me. I want to do things just because I can. Even if it means making mistakes. Yes, I want things to do, and goals to reach, and parameters to keep me and everyone else safe. I can appreciate the necessity for rules. Yes, I do greatly appreciate thoughts and considerations that help to grow or direct me, like someone saying to be brighter when I sing, or that I'm competitive. But if it "hampers my style"....I'm going to be skeptical to accept it. <-- plausible flaw #2
Realization #3- I am a relying independent. Let me explain. I usually take after myself. I typically work by myself, get places and do things alone, and rarely find myself able to share personal feelings or emotions with others because I'm used to standing alone. At the same time, I am stuck. Currently waiting for my new job to start, and as such have no income. It cramps a lot of things, not having money. And while I am typically a solo- I still need others to stay sane, to take care of, and when I do create an attachment that gets broken, it's often hard to let go of. Just go back to being yourself, Jen. You know how. But you don't want to. While I can do a lot of things for myself, I know there's a lot to go before I am completely able to take care of myself. <-- plausible flaw #3
Realization #4- I am an adapter. Something comes along, like a friend, circumstance, etc., and I adapt to life with it. That things leaves, and I adapt to life without it. It's a survival skill that keeps me going, but I wonder how attached I get to things sometimes. Though I don't typically utilize it, I have the ability to pick things up or let them go and completely walk away, and I can be fine. But I don't really like to usually. But this adaptability....again, with the mirrored object. I easily mold into whatever situation I'm in. If people were puzzle pieces, I'd be the uncut piece that would look to see where it's needed before shaping myself to fit, as opposed to already being cast into my mold and finding a select few who I am compatible with. Sometimes that's not the case. But typically it is. <-- plausible flaw #4
Realization #5- For someone who tries to look out for others and not think of herself, I am extremely self-centered. It's a works in the making, and you have to realize that it's important to take care of yourself. Maslow created a hierarchy that shows that you have to take care of the main foundation - yourself - before you can take care of the needs of others. But looking back over these paragraphs, it makes me think of Mia on The Princess Diaries - at the end when she says how silly it is how many times a day we say the word "I". Go 'head. Though this is still quite conversational, it has a lot to do with me. But this is still a self-examining, self-considering post, so there's gonna be some of me in it somewhere. Actually, pretty sure this whole post screams narcissist. ;) "Ctrl-find" how many times I've used the word "I", and lets graze over that and move on. Anyway. I think some self-denial is there, trying to say that I'm not thinking about me, but that I am always selflessly thinking of others. But sometimes, I'm not. A sub-realization is that part of it is reaching out, hoping that someone will reach back. Golden rule, right? But after so long of reaching out to others, I think I don't know how to allow them to reach back. <-- plausible flaw #5
Realization #6- I know what I want, but not always. Or if I do, I don't know how to get there, or I forget. I want to be happy, but does happy mean by myself or with someone else? I want to learn, but does that mean I enjoy going to school or not? I want others to be happy, but does that mean I step back (yet again, it feels like) and allow them to be happy because they deserve it, or do they even deserve it, or do I? I know what I want- or should want- but not always. <-- plausible flaw #6
Last realization, #7- I am at a dilemma in my life. Torn between so many things, it would take another day and too many blogpost drafts before I could ever post anything really about it, and I really probably never would. But until I gather the courage to face this dilemma and see it from both sides- for there are surely two, and have the courage to face it as one me, with the knowledge and courage that I may need to change- until I can do this, I will be stuck without the ability to progress. Stuck typing about it, trying to realign my thoughts without getting up and doing something about it. So. To get past this seventh flaw, or at least begin my journey against, with, and in conjunction with this adventure, I'm logging off, and leaving you to consider this and your own life, and see if you can find who you really are, too. If you already know, take a two second break to pat yourself on the back and reach for your cup of hot chocolate, then continue on; for life always changes, and so; us with it. I know I'll find and become who I really am. In some ways, I think I already have, I just have to discover it for myself. Until then, lace up.
The race has already begun, and I'm running it my way. Forward, sideways, backwards, and with a dance along the way. You can join if you wish.
Love, Me.
Monday, November 19, 2012
My Favorite View
Glittering lights
A fallen constellation from the sky.
Housing a hundred thousand souls, shining in the moonlight. A hundred thousand wishes to make. A hundred million breaths to keep.
Laid out like a blanket from the heavens.
A cluster of shooting stars follow a path made just for them. Some close to home. Some with far to travel.
I sit alone, up here watching. Gazing at my valley constellation. A blessing of a view when there's none in the sky. A beauty in the eye of the beholder.
Some lights shine out over the lake. Their echo seen across the surface. Some spell out words too faint and distant to see. Some spell not at all - just a beacon to let the world know they are there.
Some lights house sadness, some joy. Some shine brightly while others- a bare glow. The frosty air descends and a hush falls over the city. A city of lights.
A world upside-down. Lights on the ground instead of the head. Close your eyes tightly and keep your breath held. Turn slightly and let your breath sigh...as you leave your thoughts many to the One in the sky.
A thousand glittering lights lay below, and I am up here, with no wish to go. For once I leave I must find my place and where to go. So before I leave I catch and see the first set of starlight from the heavens. Shining softly in the sky, housing millions more than mine. A simple elegance that can't compare. I suppose a hope is found up there.
Twinkling starlights in the night - bring me home safe, I pray, tonight.
Love, Me.
Saturday, October 27, 2012
Wrong Words to Use...
When trying to impress someone:
- I do this, that, etc. (Talking only of yourself)
- Pick up lines. Hate them.
- You're just like him/her in this way...
When "comforting" someone on a break up:
- You'll get over it
- He/she wasn't good enough for you
- I'm sorry you broke up, but I'm glad to have you back
- Now we can do (insert something here) again
- This is better for you
- Are you interested in/going to go out with anyone this weekend?
- Why don't you try so-and-so?
- I feel better now that you aren't dating him/her
- Aren't you over him/her yet?
When you want someone to do something:
- "Never", "Always", "You should" phrases
- Basically if you command without asking
When you're angry at someone:
- I hate you
- "You always" or "You never" statements
- "Why don't you?..."
- "You can't" or "You should" statements
Right words to use
When trying to impress someone:
- So tell me about yourself
- "Really?" "Wow!" "That's neat!"
- Focus on them, look them in the eye, smile and be sincere. Don't interrupt. Be polite. Follow up with them.
When comforting someone on a break up:
- I'm sorry
- How do you feel?
- Is there anything I can do?
- Want to do something ____?
- Give them a hug, let them vent/cry, whatever, just let them be sad and work through their feelings. They're hurting and probably will for a while.
When you want someone to do something:
- "Could you", "Please" statements
- Be nice. Be sincere. Don't force yourself/your opinions on them. Talk with them, and make sure you both are REALLY on the same page. Give and take - don't expect them to be able to unconditionally give to you. Don't feel entitled to anything. People are people too.
When you're angry at someone:
- "I feel like ___ when ____ happens"
- **And if you're listening to them, LET THEM TALK WITHOUT interrupting. If you absolutely have to say something, ask if you can, then let them talk again.
- I'm frustrated right now, but I'll get over it
- Never point fingers at someone. You'll usually say things you regret later. If anything, let them know that you aren't ready to talk at the moment without saying things you don't want said, so you need to take a time out. This may be at least 10 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours, or else you'll never get the problem resolved. During that time out, calm yourself and think about what you really want to accomplish. Are you there to resolve the issue, or hurt someone else? Pray. Point out how you feel, not what the other person is doing wrong, until you can calmly talk about the issue without your emotions leading the conversation.
Just some things to think about.
Love, Me.
- I do this, that, etc. (Talking only of yourself)
- Pick up lines. Hate them.
- You're just like him/her in this way...
When "comforting" someone on a break up:
- You'll get over it
- He/she wasn't good enough for you
- I'm sorry you broke up, but I'm glad to have you back
- Now we can do (insert something here) again
- This is better for you
- Are you interested in/going to go out with anyone this weekend?
- Why don't you try so-and-so?
- I feel better now that you aren't dating him/her
- Aren't you over him/her yet?
When you want someone to do something:
- "Never", "Always", "You should" phrases
- Basically if you command without asking
When you're angry at someone:
- I hate you
- "You always" or "You never" statements
- "Why don't you?..."
- "You can't" or "You should" statements
Right words to use
When trying to impress someone:
- So tell me about yourself
- "Really?" "Wow!" "That's neat!"
- Focus on them, look them in the eye, smile and be sincere. Don't interrupt. Be polite. Follow up with them.
When comforting someone on a break up:
- I'm sorry
- How do you feel?
- Is there anything I can do?
- Want to do something ____?
- Give them a hug, let them vent/cry, whatever, just let them be sad and work through their feelings. They're hurting and probably will for a while.
When you want someone to do something:
- "Could you", "Please" statements
- Be nice. Be sincere. Don't force yourself/your opinions on them. Talk with them, and make sure you both are REALLY on the same page. Give and take - don't expect them to be able to unconditionally give to you. Don't feel entitled to anything. People are people too.
When you're angry at someone:
- "I feel like ___ when ____ happens"
- **And if you're listening to them, LET THEM TALK WITHOUT interrupting. If you absolutely have to say something, ask if you can, then let them talk again.
- I'm frustrated right now, but I'll get over it
- Never point fingers at someone. You'll usually say things you regret later. If anything, let them know that you aren't ready to talk at the moment without saying things you don't want said, so you need to take a time out. This may be at least 10 minutes, but no longer than 24 hours, or else you'll never get the problem resolved. During that time out, calm yourself and think about what you really want to accomplish. Are you there to resolve the issue, or hurt someone else? Pray. Point out how you feel, not what the other person is doing wrong, until you can calmly talk about the issue without your emotions leading the conversation.
Just some things to think about.
Love, Me.
Monday, October 22, 2012
That Lonely Walk
Learn to walk that lonely road.
Learn to sing that song alone.
Find your path next to no one,
Learn to walk that lonely road.
Keep your thoughts just to yourself.
Keep those wishes dear in range,
Try that smile, don't matter fear,
Keep your hopes inside of here.
Forget the sound of sweet harmony.
Forget the bliss of being free.
Face the road and icy glare;
Forget the past; you can't stay there.
Leave the heartache and worried fear.
Leave the pain from letting near.
Go your way with thoughts inclined, to
Leave the sound of voices twined.
Let no anger rise within.
Let no frustrations grow or pound.
Put up that face of bravery,
Let only strength be seen from me.
Know that this pain will someday pass.
Know that I knew this time could come.
Perhaps 'twas never meant to be,
Know yet there's still pain in store for me.
Get used to turning away.
Get no hopes or intentions.
Realize someday will be okay, and
Get back to the former way.
Give all you can for everyone else.
Give no thought for yourself.
Quell the hate and hurt and fears,
Give no place for pain-filled tears.
Learn to walk that lonely road.
Learn to re-love being yourself.
Apart from what you had, take your load, ...and
Learn to walk that lonely road, alone.
Inspired by: "Lonesome Road" The King Singers, "Learn to be Lonely" Phantom of the Opera, Life.
Love, Me.
-Written 10/19/2012
Learn to sing that song alone.
Find your path next to no one,
Learn to walk that lonely road.
Keep your thoughts just to yourself.
Keep those wishes dear in range,
Try that smile, don't matter fear,
Keep your hopes inside of here.
Forget the sound of sweet harmony.
Forget the bliss of being free.
Face the road and icy glare;
Forget the past; you can't stay there.
Leave the heartache and worried fear.
Leave the pain from letting near.
Go your way with thoughts inclined, to
Leave the sound of voices twined.
Let no anger rise within.
Let no frustrations grow or pound.
Put up that face of bravery,
Let only strength be seen from me.
Know that this pain will someday pass.
Know that I knew this time could come.
Perhaps 'twas never meant to be,
Know yet there's still pain in store for me.
Get used to turning away.
Get no hopes or intentions.
Realize someday will be okay, and
Get back to the former way.
Give all you can for everyone else.
Give no thought for yourself.
Quell the hate and hurt and fears,
Give no place for pain-filled tears.
Learn to walk that lonely road.
Learn to re-love being yourself.
Apart from what you had, take your load, ...and
Learn to walk that lonely road, alone.
Inspired by: "Lonesome Road" The King Singers, "Learn to be Lonely" Phantom of the Opera, Life.
Love, Me.
-Written 10/19/2012
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Announcements (No, not the kind you're thinking of)
Every once in a while I find myself sitting at my desk trying to do homework, but alas, 'tis to no avail. It's usually those times when I either go looking for a snack, waste time on my computer, stare at my planner indefinitely, daydream, or blog. Occasionally I do more than one at a time.
Tonight's random mumble of words comes from something I call Serendipity, which as shared by Cupcake is "finding something good without looking for it". This can be in convincing your teacher to make your in-class midterm a take home due by the end of Friday, in walking barefoot in the drizzle of rain, or discovering yourself suddenly in the midst of love. All very good things.
I've learned something in the past few weeks. About love, and hardship, trust, honesty, hate, dedication, homework, and trials. My status on Facebook last week read:
"This Week, conquered:
-9 papers, six due Tuesday.
-2 tests, because I decided to wait til Monday for the last one.
-350 pages of reading
-2 class presentation competitions
-Emotional days
and organizing Visiting Teaching. What now. I can do hard things.
All with less than 20 hours of sleep for the week. Yeah baby! It can only get better with General Conference this weekend!!! :)"
Yes, it is true. Last week was one that I had serious doubts about surviving, but after Monday and all its hardships conquered, I realized I could do it, and the rest of the week, though hard, was bearable. I'm realizing with each passing week that, yes last week was hard, but this next week is what's really going to be a challenge.
You know, I got on here with a specific purpose, but I can't remember for the life of me what that was.
Oh yes. Now I remember. General Conference was amazing, and the talks were centered very carefully around the questions and concerns I've had. A lot about families, overcoming trials, and staying converted. It will be great. Also, this conference was monumental with the announcement that President Monson gave in the Saturday Morning Session about missionary work - young men can serve missions at 18 and young women at 19 if they so desire!!!!!!!!!!! This is incredible!!! Usually, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints send young men out at the age of 19 and young women at 21 to be missionaries that spread the gospel and Christlike love and service to the world. This OPTION is in hopes of bringing more people to the true knowledge of Christ and to help them know that He lives and is an influence in our lives. This announcement will not only allow many more individuals to serve, but more to serve together. I admit, while everyone is talking about RM (Returned Missionaries) dating experiences, changes in families, in school decisions, in life really, my first thought was - "Now boyfriends and girlfriends can serve at about the same time". Crazy, huh?
With this great announcement, and the fact that I'm 20 and therefore "eligible", I had some thinking to do. It took me about 10 slack-jawed, smile-starting seconds of my life to let this sink in, and while the second phase of excitement and implications set in, I considered it. I haven't been planning on serving, what with Keys coming back in less than 9 months, and I'm in school, and have the calling and blessing of being Relief Society President. That, and other reasons (aka boys). Though I would confirm this a few days later in the temple as a request rather than question, my answer is still the same, and my decision firm. I don't know why I need to announce it to the world, but just so you know, I'm not planning on serving a mission at this time. In communicating, I made it clear that if it was His will that I would go, but if it was okay if I continued with my plans, would that be okay? - The answer was yes, and unless I get the huge urge to go, I'll wait until I can serve abroad with my husband. I figure I can do a lot of good here, and someone needs to be around to date the poor boys with half of their dating prospects on missions. ;)
Kidding.
Mostly. Anyway. Life is busy, to the extreme. Life is good. Hard. Tiring. But, as I'm finding out- doable. For now, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, world of wonder,
Love, Me.
Tonight's random mumble of words comes from something I call Serendipity, which as shared by Cupcake is "finding something good without looking for it". This can be in convincing your teacher to make your in-class midterm a take home due by the end of Friday, in walking barefoot in the drizzle of rain, or discovering yourself suddenly in the midst of love. All very good things.
I've learned something in the past few weeks. About love, and hardship, trust, honesty, hate, dedication, homework, and trials. My status on Facebook last week read:
"This Week, conquered:
-9 papers, six due Tuesday.
-2 tests, because I decided to wait til Monday for the last one.
-350 pages of reading
-2 class presentation competitions
-Emotional days
and organizing Visiting Teaching. What now. I can do hard things.
All with less than 20 hours of sleep for the week. Yeah baby! It can only get better with General Conference this weekend!!! :)"
Yes, it is true. Last week was one that I had serious doubts about surviving, but after Monday and all its hardships conquered, I realized I could do it, and the rest of the week, though hard, was bearable. I'm realizing with each passing week that, yes last week was hard, but this next week is what's really going to be a challenge.
You know, I got on here with a specific purpose, but I can't remember for the life of me what that was.
Oh yes. Now I remember. General Conference was amazing, and the talks were centered very carefully around the questions and concerns I've had. A lot about families, overcoming trials, and staying converted. It will be great. Also, this conference was monumental with the announcement that President Monson gave in the Saturday Morning Session about missionary work - young men can serve missions at 18 and young women at 19 if they so desire!!!!!!!!!!! This is incredible!!! Usually, The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints send young men out at the age of 19 and young women at 21 to be missionaries that spread the gospel and Christlike love and service to the world. This OPTION is in hopes of bringing more people to the true knowledge of Christ and to help them know that He lives and is an influence in our lives. This announcement will not only allow many more individuals to serve, but more to serve together. I admit, while everyone is talking about RM (Returned Missionaries) dating experiences, changes in families, in school decisions, in life really, my first thought was - "Now boyfriends and girlfriends can serve at about the same time". Crazy, huh?
With this great announcement, and the fact that I'm 20 and therefore "eligible", I had some thinking to do. It took me about 10 slack-jawed, smile-starting seconds of my life to let this sink in, and while the second phase of excitement and implications set in, I considered it. I haven't been planning on serving, what with Keys coming back in less than 9 months, and I'm in school, and have the calling and blessing of being Relief Society President. That, and other reasons (aka boys). Though I would confirm this a few days later in the temple as a request rather than question, my answer is still the same, and my decision firm. I don't know why I need to announce it to the world, but just so you know, I'm not planning on serving a mission at this time. In communicating, I made it clear that if it was His will that I would go, but if it was okay if I continued with my plans, would that be okay? - The answer was yes, and unless I get the huge urge to go, I'll wait until I can serve abroad with my husband. I figure I can do a lot of good here, and someone needs to be around to date the poor boys with half of their dating prospects on missions. ;)
Kidding.
Mostly. Anyway. Life is busy, to the extreme. Life is good. Hard. Tiring. But, as I'm finding out- doable. For now, I'm going to bed. Sweet dreams, world of wonder,
Love, Me.
Tuesday, September 11, 2012
To those from 9/11 eleven years ago...
We remember. Solemn minds.
We salute. Steady hands.
We love. Full hearts.
We thank. Whole voice.
We pledge. Our lives.
To you.
Love, Me.
Saturday, September 1, 2012
It's Been Seven Years
Well, I wouldn't normally be posting frequently as I have been except for the fact that there are always anomalies in the universe, or events that would logically be the catalyst for me sitting here and typing about it. Right now is something that I post about every year on or around the anniversary of a special time for me, which conveniently is today.
It's been seven years today.
I can't even hardly say it, it's so astounding to me- both that it's been so long and yet, not that long ago. I've blogged about it here and here, but in case you are not one of those people to click links, I'll tell you a bit.
Seven years ago I was so sick and dehydrated that my amazing doctor couldn't get a blood pressure from me. A half hour later at Utah Valley Hospital, the nurses were changing shifts and trying to find ANY vein to get an IV in. One finally got in my left hand, but unfortunately (but actually, fortunately) I wasn't having a diabetic reaction, so the insulin they gave me wasn't that good. The line in my right arm got pulled out by accident when the nurse's glove got taped down and she turned to get something. She almost cried.
I remember getting in a wheelchair, and into a bed. Suddenly I remember being in another room, a bigger one right next to the nurse's station. A higher intensive care room. I remember chest pain, or, at least, that's what I remember from what my mom tells me. Results from a heart monitor showed something similar to a heart attack, which the cardiologist who happened to be there at 10:00 that night (on the one night a week she went to UVRMC) was able to diagnose and order the Life Flight team to take me to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake. All I could think was, "If this is my appendix like someone said 10 minutes ago, why can't they take it out here? Heart Buddy (my best friend growing up) had to be life flighted, too, for her heart..." I can't even begin to imagine the devastating horror my parents must have been experiencing at this time, watching 15 doctors and nurses rush in and out of my room, tension rising by the second with each new failure we encountered.
That ride was by far the loudest and most painful ride I have yet encountered in my life. But, another small miracle; the medicine I was given to make me sleep didn't take effect until after I had been in the Emergency Room in Salt Lake. Normally out after 10-15 seconds, I lasted for about 15 minutes, a miracle we were told by the Life Flight nurse kept me alive. I am forever indebted to her and the rest of the incredible (though incredible is not quite appropriate enough a word) individuals who worked with everything they had to keep me alive. And I don't even know her name to thank her.
Cardiac arrest is an interesting phenomenon. Though in itself it is relatively painless, the events leading up and following were excruciating. I awoke several times to doctors shouting my name, and an electrifying, screaming bolt of electricity would course through my body making it jump several inches off the table. I would start running through the routine that they'd know I knew who I was still; "My name is Jenna King, I am 13 years old, I go to Dixon Middle School, my parents are Carson and...Susan..King, I-" and then my heart would stop again. Sometimes when I woke up I would feel bad for causing so much trouble, and an "I'm sorry" would whimper out. But mostly I said it hoping they'd get the hint. I just wanted someone to say they were sorry for me.
Eventually unconsciousness took over and the next few days on life support are a blur to me, thanks to the medication. Time was irrelevant, painfully long and yet preciously short as results would come back progressively worse with each one. A ventilator took over breathing, since I wasn't doing it on my own. A pacemaker so they didn't have to have to use the defibrillator would shock my heart every time it would stop (scar on my neck). What felt like millions of lines and devices plugged all over my body, and daily X-rays to show that my heart was twice the size it should have been. Echocardiograms, EKG's, tests, saline, suction, imminent surgeries, worry.....and about a 10-17% estimated chance of surviving through one more night.
Then comes the time where you have done literally everything you can do, you have worked your hardest, tried all of your options, and you reach the end of your line, and have to sink down with your head in your hands, and painfully, tearfully admit that you cannot do anything else, and your best has not been sufficient. In that moment, you are the blessed individual to experience the Atonement in your life as Heavenly Father steps in and figuratively parts the Red Sea - does the impossible. He held my life in suspense, hovering just barely above the "line" where I would have to have surgery, or wouldn't make it. Then, through the faith and prayers and fasting and tears of so many individuals, and His miraculous love and mercy, He blessed and allowed me to get better.
13 days after I entered, I was wheeled out of Primary Children's with astounding progress. True, my heart was still swollen and leaking badly, my arms were bruised green and purple and red all up and down from the IV's, I was 5'8" (current height) and weighed 122 lbs, I couldn't walk far without needing a rest, but I was alive. This trial that came to me and influenced myself and my family in the form of a virus called Myocarditis has shaped me and given me direction and a duty to become who I am today. I suppose with this amazing experience that happened to me, I pledged my life to be someone who did things for other people and gave of myself not just because it was a good thing to do, but it was the right thing for me to do. Sort of like a mission or calling or contract I have, to do and be an agent in the Lord's hands. The conditions to continue living required I hand my plans over to the Lord and continue with His approvals, and make changes as He makes notes in my "Life Planner". It has resulted in a major change (haha) - from Music Ed, though helpful and satisfying I'm sure it could have been, to Family Studies at BYU. To let go of some dreams and find place for others. To learn that I loved taking care of and serving others more than anything else. To direct my focus on Him.
It's been a long road. So many things have happened and changed -of which I am grateful for- and in many ways I have grown. Too many to be named here. Also, not everyone's story turns out like mine. Sometimes we give all we can, and the Lord still says, "Not this time". Your faith might be stronger than mine. Your circumstances and needs greater, and yet, for a test of your faith, you hear "Not yet". My question for you is- can you still stand strong and resolute as if you had received a "Yes"?
This hasn't been the most detailed version of the experience I've told, but for today, I've shared what I deemed necessary. Just letting the world know that I have risen from an event seven years ago that had the great potential to stop me in my tracks. But of course, I'm stubborn and strong willed, but most of all extremely blessed. Now I just hope that with this, I'm doing what I should be. It's been seven years, and a great journey, for sure, filled with light, learning, laughter, love, music, joy, pain, sorrow, disappointment, happiness, gratitude, and more. I'm glad He's in charge.
Love, Me.
Ps. School's started this week. I'm a Junior. Homework's crazy. But hopefully, it'll be good.
Yeah, it will be. :)
It's been seven years today.
I can't even hardly say it, it's so astounding to me- both that it's been so long and yet, not that long ago. I've blogged about it here and here, but in case you are not one of those people to click links, I'll tell you a bit.
Seven years ago I was so sick and dehydrated that my amazing doctor couldn't get a blood pressure from me. A half hour later at Utah Valley Hospital, the nurses were changing shifts and trying to find ANY vein to get an IV in. One finally got in my left hand, but unfortunately (but actually, fortunately) I wasn't having a diabetic reaction, so the insulin they gave me wasn't that good. The line in my right arm got pulled out by accident when the nurse's glove got taped down and she turned to get something. She almost cried.
I remember getting in a wheelchair, and into a bed. Suddenly I remember being in another room, a bigger one right next to the nurse's station. A higher intensive care room. I remember chest pain, or, at least, that's what I remember from what my mom tells me. Results from a heart monitor showed something similar to a heart attack, which the cardiologist who happened to be there at 10:00 that night (on the one night a week she went to UVRMC) was able to diagnose and order the Life Flight team to take me to Primary Children's Medical Center in Salt Lake. All I could think was, "If this is my appendix like someone said 10 minutes ago, why can't they take it out here? Heart Buddy (my best friend growing up) had to be life flighted, too, for her heart..." I can't even begin to imagine the devastating horror my parents must have been experiencing at this time, watching 15 doctors and nurses rush in and out of my room, tension rising by the second with each new failure we encountered.
That ride was by far the loudest and most painful ride I have yet encountered in my life. But, another small miracle; the medicine I was given to make me sleep didn't take effect until after I had been in the Emergency Room in Salt Lake. Normally out after 10-15 seconds, I lasted for about 15 minutes, a miracle we were told by the Life Flight nurse kept me alive. I am forever indebted to her and the rest of the incredible (though incredible is not quite appropriate enough a word) individuals who worked with everything they had to keep me alive. And I don't even know her name to thank her.
Cardiac arrest is an interesting phenomenon. Though in itself it is relatively painless, the events leading up and following were excruciating. I awoke several times to doctors shouting my name, and an electrifying, screaming bolt of electricity would course through my body making it jump several inches off the table. I would start running through the routine that they'd know I knew who I was still; "My name is Jenna King, I am 13 years old, I go to Dixon Middle School, my parents are Carson and...Susan..King, I-" and then my heart would stop again. Sometimes when I woke up I would feel bad for causing so much trouble, and an "I'm sorry" would whimper out. But mostly I said it hoping they'd get the hint. I just wanted someone to say they were sorry for me.
Eventually unconsciousness took over and the next few days on life support are a blur to me, thanks to the medication. Time was irrelevant, painfully long and yet preciously short as results would come back progressively worse with each one. A ventilator took over breathing, since I wasn't doing it on my own. A pacemaker so they didn't have to have to use the defibrillator would shock my heart every time it would stop (scar on my neck). What felt like millions of lines and devices plugged all over my body, and daily X-rays to show that my heart was twice the size it should have been. Echocardiograms, EKG's, tests, saline, suction, imminent surgeries, worry.....and about a 10-17% estimated chance of surviving through one more night.
Then comes the time where you have done literally everything you can do, you have worked your hardest, tried all of your options, and you reach the end of your line, and have to sink down with your head in your hands, and painfully, tearfully admit that you cannot do anything else, and your best has not been sufficient. In that moment, you are the blessed individual to experience the Atonement in your life as Heavenly Father steps in and figuratively parts the Red Sea - does the impossible. He held my life in suspense, hovering just barely above the "line" where I would have to have surgery, or wouldn't make it. Then, through the faith and prayers and fasting and tears of so many individuals, and His miraculous love and mercy, He blessed and allowed me to get better.
13 days after I entered, I was wheeled out of Primary Children's with astounding progress. True, my heart was still swollen and leaking badly, my arms were bruised green and purple and red all up and down from the IV's, I was 5'8" (current height) and weighed 122 lbs, I couldn't walk far without needing a rest, but I was alive. This trial that came to me and influenced myself and my family in the form of a virus called Myocarditis has shaped me and given me direction and a duty to become who I am today. I suppose with this amazing experience that happened to me, I pledged my life to be someone who did things for other people and gave of myself not just because it was a good thing to do, but it was the right thing for me to do. Sort of like a mission or calling or contract I have, to do and be an agent in the Lord's hands. The conditions to continue living required I hand my plans over to the Lord and continue with His approvals, and make changes as He makes notes in my "Life Planner". It has resulted in a major change (haha) - from Music Ed, though helpful and satisfying I'm sure it could have been, to Family Studies at BYU. To let go of some dreams and find place for others. To learn that I loved taking care of and serving others more than anything else. To direct my focus on Him.
It's been a long road. So many things have happened and changed -of which I am grateful for- and in many ways I have grown. Too many to be named here. Also, not everyone's story turns out like mine. Sometimes we give all we can, and the Lord still says, "Not this time". Your faith might be stronger than mine. Your circumstances and needs greater, and yet, for a test of your faith, you hear "Not yet". My question for you is- can you still stand strong and resolute as if you had received a "Yes"?
This hasn't been the most detailed version of the experience I've told, but for today, I've shared what I deemed necessary. Just letting the world know that I have risen from an event seven years ago that had the great potential to stop me in my tracks. But of course, I'm stubborn and strong willed, but most of all extremely blessed. Now I just hope that with this, I'm doing what I should be. It's been seven years, and a great journey, for sure, filled with light, learning, laughter, love, music, joy, pain, sorrow, disappointment, happiness, gratitude, and more. I'm glad He's in charge.
Love, Me.
Ps. School's started this week. I'm a Junior. Homework's crazy. But hopefully, it'll be good.
Yeah, it will be. :)
Thursday, August 30, 2012
Life Truth #2
Can't focus, can't focus, wasting time, can't focus........
Welcome to day four of homework.
Love, Me.
Welcome to day four of homework.
Love, Me.
Friday, August 24, 2012
Lessons I Learned While Sailing...
So a few nights ago for a ward activity we went sailing on Utah Lake in Provo. At first there was pretty much no wind, hardly a breeze, so we paddled around and splashed each other to our hearts content, came back to shore to dock and have treats (Happy birthday, Brave), then all got excited when we saw some of our group out on the water - Sailing. Not just floating around, but real life, honest to goodness, caught a breeze and they were sailing.
So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls. Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern. I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.
Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas. Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.
The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.
I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me. But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did. I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others. I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad. If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.
Which is exactly where we found ourselves. It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake. Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again. The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too." But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful. I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun." Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized. We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now. Only, we couldn't.
Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.
This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof. Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it. Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience. Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.
The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church. He described three types of boats to us-
The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones.
The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it.
The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving. Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be? The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in. The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything. But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed. I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter. I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.
And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.
There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story. Defeat. Distaste. Guilt. Disappointment. Sorrow. Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.
Back to the story. We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again. The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore. Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward. These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain. I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back. Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid. Let me explain that. There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight. I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry. I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back. However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!" Yep, we agreed. We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.
A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.
3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.
4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak. We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable. When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.
5) There are more chances to come back than we know. The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come. Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.
6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back. Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place. But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster. True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.
7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent". Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip. Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell. Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.
8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree. You will. Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.
9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast. And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it.
10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away. It's a trap. It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!
11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience. I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not. It's dangerous. You aren't You. And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.
12) There are saviors in this life. Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it. They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven. He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe
13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission. Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it. I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help. We weren't physically drowning- yet. But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.
14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others. I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to. I'm sorry.
15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes. Some greater than others. Some longer lasting. But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned. Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes. But we keep trying.
There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life. From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others. Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade. I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience. My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it. I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.
More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life. But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming. Open your eyes and look for it. Help is there.
Love, Me.
So I jumped into a boat with two others (Captain and Length) and we were off, first going around the little harbor and getting the hang of the controls. Captain was at the bow, directing the sails and pretty much being a captain, Length was in the middle counterbalancing our weight and using the paddle when needed, and doing whatever else was needed, and I was steering at the stern. I'm not sure what the right word is that I'm looking for here, but I think it was giddily we made our way out of the smaller area into another harbor about twice its size.
Lesson #1) We get excited once we get the hang of things and want to do them more, in larger areas. Doesn't matter if we're really good or still learning, we want to know more.
The wind really kicked up out here, and a few "woo-hoo's" and "Man this is great, I LOVE sailing!'s" later, we decided that we wanted to and were ready to go out farther.
I'm going to pause telling this story and give another personal insight here, you can call it Lesson #2 or Mistake #1 or leave it be, whichever is fine with me. But although we had the "hang of things", we obviously weren't ready for this, but lack of experience didn't seem to matter to us, as our desires took over and we just wanted to do this, so we did. I've found that happens a lot in life, sadly to me as well as others. I'll just want to stay up late, or keep playing, and sometimes ignore that small, quiet voice that has more knowledge than I'll ever have saying that I shouldn't do it. Sometimes the consequences aren't as bad, like being tired the next day or getting to play longer, but having to work on homework longer into the night, but sometimes the consequences can actually be bad - really bad. If you go to far into something you shouldn't, you hold your breath longer than healthy, you wear clothing "just on the edge" a little too often....and you find yourself beyond the safety of the harbor, and deeper in waves.
Which is exactly where we found ourselves. It was fun at first (Okay, I'll admit. It was amazing and full of adventure the whole time for me), but then the wind picked up and we sailed farther out than we had anticipated, and in a small, strange moment, I looked around and noticed we were the only ones out on the lake. Where there had been several other boats out, (and then I did notice two other boats across the lake, but they were by the shore), suddenly however, we were alone. That's when that little voice started a few thoughts and "lightbulb moments" in my head and that voice of concern piped up again. The thought, "The experienced boaters (who surely would be capable out here) have gone into the safety of the harbor, because they know what's right and safe, and don't want to play with this...maybe we should too." But the water which lapped up and down and created the illusion of the ground being alive was exciting to me, and the sun was setting behind the mountain across the lake, and I thought, "Man this is beautiful. I love it out here, this is new and exciting...and so fun." Then we saw another sailboat from our group venturing out towards us, and after a few moments, tipped and capsized. We took down our sail, paddled over to them (it took a while), and helped them get their sail up again (after they flipped their boat right-side up), and then decided, maybe we should go back now. Only, we couldn't.
Now, by this point, we'd already had two men on seadoos come and ask if we needed any help (quite honestly, I wasn't sure how they would be able to tow us, which shows how much I know), a few motorboats had come by (One asking "Do you need assistance?" - which was obviously not a question, but an expert's eye saying we needed some, but being respectful of the pride aboard our little boat, offered it with the slight chance that we could get to shore ourselves. We're independent, see.) But of course, we would say back that thank you, but we were fine, and keep trying to figure out what we were doing and how to get back without tipping ourselves out in the boisterous waves.
This reminded me of a couple of stories. One of the man who heard a flood was coming, knelt down to pray that he would be saved, and then ignored the offers from his neighbors to come away with him, as well as the lifeboats sent out in the storm, and the helicopter when he was on his roof. Come to find out (after he had died) that those people had been sent by the Lord to save him, he just didn't recognize it. Now, thankfully we didn't die. But really, we should have taken the first offer for help, pride or no pride, experience or no experience. Stupid, stubborn independent young adults.
The second story is one that we've heard a couple of times, most recently heard by my Bishop in church. He described three types of boats to us-
The first a sailboat that goes out in fair weather but comes in when it gets rough. And if you notice, when you look up "sailboat" on Google Images, the only pictures you see are sunny, calm ones.
The second a loading barge (the official name escapes me) that can carry thousands of pounds of goods from place to place, but it has to be towed around to do it.
The third and final boat - a Coastguard Cutter. These solid, massive boats go out whenever needed, even or especially in tempestuous waves and the blackest of conditions at night, and save whoever needs saving. Now the analogy and question - what kind of boat are we, and what kind should we be? The Sailboat is someone who goes out and does good when the weather (timing) is right for them, but as soon as it gets hard they come back in. The barge has to be pushed and pulled to do anything. But the Coastguard Cutter leaps into action whenever needed. I have wanted to be a Coastguard Cutter. I want to be the kind of person described as Nephi - going and doing, even when it was hard. Especially when it was hard. Someone to be counted on, that you know will do what's right in the face of whatever they are presented with, not just because it was their duty, but their honor: it's who they are.
And I let myself, and everyone I was with, down.
There's some words I can feel the taste of as I relate this story. Defeat. Distaste. Guilt. Disappointment. Sorrow. Hardest of all is knowing I did not do my duty, in the time of action when it was needed most, I did not do it, and the disappointment must be pretty hard to match on both sides.
Back to the story. We'd taken our sail down and had tried to bring it back up again. The wind was blowing angrily in our faces, the waves gathering and pushing us farther from shore. Our best hope, we decided was to turn into the wind so that our sail wouldn't carry us away, and keep pushing forward. These thoughts kept going through my mind that I've explained, and every now and then I'd sneak a peek at the sun setting behind the mountain. I knew it was close to 8, when we were supposed to be done, and we were still struggling to make it back. Still, amazingly, our spirits weren't dampened (though our physical attire certainly was), and though the earlier 'excitement' we had felt was diminishing, I personally wasn't afraid. Let me explain that. There are certain levels of fear you can experience - butterflies with a crush or getting up to speak in front of people, alarm/startled surprise when someone scares you, worry, tenseness, concern, heart pounding/cold hands/dry mouth/heart-in-your-stomach feelings, and utter and complete fear where you are scared for safety and you can't think straight. I wasn't that last one, although unfortunately, I have learned that there were some that were experiencing that, to whom I am deeply and terribly sorry. I knew we weren't "safe", but somehow I was calm and felt like everything would be okay.
Eventually we saw the sail of the instructor, as he came out to try and help steer us back. However, no matter how much we tried, we didn't, and finally he called to us, "You are making no progress; get them to tow you!" Yep, we agreed. We definitely need help. So our kind saviors tossed us a line to our dinghy as they said and towed us back, where we met the worried faces of those who stayed from our group.
A few more lessons and insights, in order as they come.
3) We may know a lot, but we often don't know enough.
4) There are many times in our life where we venture out past the safety of the harbor, so to speak. We ignore that thought that enters in and says it's not safe, and do what we want, assuming we are completely capable. When in fact we aren't, stubborn pride keeps us going when we would be better off coming in.
5) There are more chances to come back than we know. The first option is ours when we make decisions, and it surprises me how quickly the others can come. Those men on the seadoos were our second warning flag/chance, just like the man in the story who prayed to be saved from the flood, but was blind to the chances given him.
6) We should have gone back. We should have gone back. Just like sin in our life, we shouldn't have gone in the first place, no matter what experiences we thought we could have had or things to have learned, the venture shouldn't have been made in the first place. But even when we're "lost", there are plenty of opportunities to turn back....and we could get out of our situation faster. True, there will likely be consequences when we do, but they seem to become more severe the longer we stay.
7) Bad things can happen, even to those who are "innocent". Our friends likely didn't know either that it was so dangerous, or that they would lose control and flip. Like anyone else, they probably thought they were fine, that they were strong enough, they wouldn't give in........but like everyone else....they fell. Even the strongest man will weaken when beaten upon, if he is not standing where he is supposed to.
8) You may just be going "a little ways in", but soon you will find yourself surrounded by whatever you have entered, to the next degree. You will. Unless you turn a full 180* and flee without looking back, like Joseph of Egypt, you will be caught, and find yourself surrounded by either literal or metaphorical waves that are trying their best to toss you off your feet.
9) The clutches of the world can be quick and grip you fast. And man, you can be enjoying yourself and where you're at before you realize it.
10) It looks calm and appealing and doable and safe from anywhere of 100-1 foot away. It's a trap. It is tempting on purpose, and there are railings, rules and guidelines For A Reason!!
11) You really are happiest living within the rules and guidelines set up by those leaders who have experience. I've "tried it" - you sail out where it looks fun, (ex. some may go out late, or wear clothing very close to a fine line), but you get there and realize......it's not. It's dangerous. You aren't You. And you may not be able to get out of the grip of this vice on your own.
12) There are saviors in this life. Our own that night on the boat with the capable motor that enabled them not only to help themselves, but rescue those who need it. They exemplify the great Savior who atoned for our sins and allowed the way for us to heal, repent and return to our Father in Heaven. He is the one who comes and reaches for us and saves us from where we are, and brings us back to safe
13) Sometimes you need to save without asking permission. Pull people out of their lost state, back to the harbor and take care of their needs because you know they need it. I'm not saying to do this every time, but only the times when you KNOW they are drowning and need your help. We weren't physically drowning- yet. But a few moments longer and the sun would have been down, and we would have been in very much trouble.
14) We often do not realize how much our actions - how we live "our life" - affects and effects others. I still feel deep anguish and guilt for what this little "adventure" cost some of the people whom I admire and look up to. I'm sorry.
15) I don't want to say this last one lightly, but hope you can feel the humble sincerity in this - We are human, and as humans will make mistakes. Some greater than others. Some longer lasting. But gratefully - mercifully - there is a way to repent and turn back from our mistakes, and become better people, with knowledge from what we learned. Sadly, we could have become greater without having to have that extra knowledge, sometimes. But we keep trying.
There are many more lessons I am continuing to learn as I contemplate this experience and realize the parallels it has with other experiences in my life. From such a great experience - and great has so many different meanings it can take - has sown many opportunities for me to learn and grow, and hopefully become a better person more capable of helping others. Though it was incredibly exciting, and I have learned a lot, I am only beginning to realize the important lessons that were amazingly evident in this escapade. I do not wish to describe it lightly, for certainly I can see it was not something to trifle with. Nor do I try to portray it as only a horrible, near-death experience. My heartfelt desire is to share this with you, in hopes of conveying my uttermost sadness and guilt for forgetting for a moment who I was and what I should be doing, and trading it for "freedom and fun"...I don't think it was really worth it. I hope that you can relate and gain knowledge and insight in your own life through reading this insanely long post, so you may be a better person, more able to help others.
More like a Coastguard, and not a stranded Sailboat in life. But know, if you are the Sailboat....help is coming. Open your eyes and look for it. Help is there.
Love, Me.
Thursday, August 16, 2012
Sometimes Life is Hard
I have a problem. School starts in 11 days, and I'm enjoying my summer too much to want to go back. I know school is good, but.........it's been a nice break. ;)
Also, I'm super tired lately. Doing a lot during the days, playing, cleaning, prepping, Relief Society, and staying up too late typically results in me semi-crashing halfway through the day, usually at this time, between 2:30 and 3:30. The obvious solution is to go to bed earlier, or take a nap, right? Except I don't usually do either.
So it's my fault. Also, this week's been hard. Hard news, rough days, long evenings and not enough time to do what I need to. Trying to fit everything in can be tricky, and with school will be especially tricky...in a good way, I'm sure, but...
I'm not meaning to complain. It's just me trying to sort my emotions and everything. Most of the time, life is good, but in case people wondered - yes, life can be hard, depressing, "lame", trying, and especially difficult some weeks more than others, even for those whom it doesn't seem like it would apply to. So what do we remedy it with? (Aka., what have I been trying a lot of lately?)
-Scripture study...sometimes more than 15 minutes. Sometimes you've got to read from 5pm to 5 in the morning in order to finally feel in the right mood or Spirit.
-Prayer. Praying like there's nothing else to do. My dad says (quoting President Hinckley): "Pray like it all depends on Heavenly Father, and then work like it all depends on you". Pray for others and their struggles. 30 minutes later, you may still be praying, but with a different purpose than you started.
-Go to the Temple. I sat in the waiting room for probably 20 minutes before I felt like I could completely leave the world and it's worries behind, but even then the worries I had were still on my mind. Then I went down to the Baptistry, went to work, and came back feeling refreshed. Sometimes it takes a short visit, sometimes longer. You just have to make the time.
-Not gossip. I've noticed that there's been a lot of gossip going on lately, and I try not to be a part of it, but man it's hard sometimes. Try it. Go a week, or even a day noticing how you talk or listen about people. Gossip can tear a person down the same way a wrecking ball does to a building. Change the conversations for the good.
-Loud music. Sometimes you just gotta let it out. One time it was turning the volume up to the max on the piano and playing long and loud songs, loud enough that I'm sure the neighbors could hear even with the windows closed. No one else was home, so I figured they wouldn't mind... ;)
-Realize you've changed. You're still the same entity that goes to bed at night and wakes up for the day, but what's inside of you has grown and changed. You're not the same, but you're still you. It's a paradox that's hard to explain, but easier to understand. If you're looking to do the same things the same way, you're selling yourself short. It's not going to happen. Times has passed, you and your surroundings change, and you move on. Albeit it's not easy. Oh no. It can be rotten hard. But it's really for the best.
-Paradigm shift. Gotta make the decision to change. And if you do, you have to jump in facing forward with both feet. No twisting, no looking back, no holding on to anything else. The times when you don't think it's working, when you feel like you've tried long enough with no results, you just gotta keep pushing forward with hope and faith that it'll come through. Some day it will.
-And one of the hardest....Trust. Give up your pride, let go of your doubts, and trust in the Maker of the Universe who holds you in the palm of His hand. Trust in His timing, His blessings, His promises, and the trials that He allows.
These are some of the things I try. Some of them work better than others, and may be easier, and you might even find something that works for you that no one else has tried or found to work yet. But just thought you should know, sometimes we have a hard time.
Love, Me.
Also, I'm super tired lately. Doing a lot during the days, playing, cleaning, prepping, Relief Society, and staying up too late typically results in me semi-crashing halfway through the day, usually at this time, between 2:30 and 3:30. The obvious solution is to go to bed earlier, or take a nap, right? Except I don't usually do either.
So it's my fault. Also, this week's been hard. Hard news, rough days, long evenings and not enough time to do what I need to. Trying to fit everything in can be tricky, and with school will be especially tricky...in a good way, I'm sure, but...
I'm not meaning to complain. It's just me trying to sort my emotions and everything. Most of the time, life is good, but in case people wondered - yes, life can be hard, depressing, "lame", trying, and especially difficult some weeks more than others, even for those whom it doesn't seem like it would apply to. So what do we remedy it with? (Aka., what have I been trying a lot of lately?)
-Scripture study...sometimes more than 15 minutes. Sometimes you've got to read from 5pm to 5 in the morning in order to finally feel in the right mood or Spirit.
-Prayer. Praying like there's nothing else to do. My dad says (quoting President Hinckley): "Pray like it all depends on Heavenly Father, and then work like it all depends on you". Pray for others and their struggles. 30 minutes later, you may still be praying, but with a different purpose than you started.
-Go to the Temple. I sat in the waiting room for probably 20 minutes before I felt like I could completely leave the world and it's worries behind, but even then the worries I had were still on my mind. Then I went down to the Baptistry, went to work, and came back feeling refreshed. Sometimes it takes a short visit, sometimes longer. You just have to make the time.
-Not gossip. I've noticed that there's been a lot of gossip going on lately, and I try not to be a part of it, but man it's hard sometimes. Try it. Go a week, or even a day noticing how you talk or listen about people. Gossip can tear a person down the same way a wrecking ball does to a building. Change the conversations for the good.
-Loud music. Sometimes you just gotta let it out. One time it was turning the volume up to the max on the piano and playing long and loud songs, loud enough that I'm sure the neighbors could hear even with the windows closed. No one else was home, so I figured they wouldn't mind... ;)
-Realize you've changed. You're still the same entity that goes to bed at night and wakes up for the day, but what's inside of you has grown and changed. You're not the same, but you're still you. It's a paradox that's hard to explain, but easier to understand. If you're looking to do the same things the same way, you're selling yourself short. It's not going to happen. Times has passed, you and your surroundings change, and you move on. Albeit it's not easy. Oh no. It can be rotten hard. But it's really for the best.
-Paradigm shift. Gotta make the decision to change. And if you do, you have to jump in facing forward with both feet. No twisting, no looking back, no holding on to anything else. The times when you don't think it's working, when you feel like you've tried long enough with no results, you just gotta keep pushing forward with hope and faith that it'll come through. Some day it will.
-And one of the hardest....Trust. Give up your pride, let go of your doubts, and trust in the Maker of the Universe who holds you in the palm of His hand. Trust in His timing, His blessings, His promises, and the trials that He allows.
These are some of the things I try. Some of them work better than others, and may be easier, and you might even find something that works for you that no one else has tried or found to work yet. But just thought you should know, sometimes we have a hard time.
Love, Me.
Tuesday, August 7, 2012
I Have Moved On
I know that I'm over you. I can walk down the street and smile when I think about you and where you are now. I don't lay awake for hours before falling asleep wondering where you are and why we're not together.
So why does something someone else do or say make my heart pound and my breath catch and my limbs freeze as I am trapped in a memory of you?
After a few moments I am freed from this grip of the past, and reality comes flowing back with the long, shallow breath I take and I close my eyes to wait for the dizziness to pass, and I wonder; Why does that happen? Am I really over you?
I have my answer a few moments later when breathing is restored to normal, and it doesn't pain to think about you, good times and bad. When it doesn't feel like my heart is being squeezed and wrenched unkindly from its place in my chest. When I'm not stopped in my tracks to bend doubled over from how hard it hurts. No tears come, though they wouldn't have.
And though for a moment I may be sad for what was seemingly lost...I look down the summery road, through the golden sunlit air and tree-lined walk, and watch you smile and hear you laugh and play...and find peace in being able to turn away.
And I know I have moved on.
Down my own road, through the tree-lined walk to a single maple tree overlooking a still pond, where grass grows as tall as your knees, and flowers bloom freely but without overabundance, where a single lark can be heard calling out his melody to be answered across the meadow by his friend. Where you can lay out at night and watch the stars glow in the sky as it turns, where you wish on the ones that fall from their places, where you can feel the warm breeze turn cool during the night, and smell the fresh air from a valley away. Where I wait without waiting, breathe without breathing, and grow without knowing. Someday someone will join me. So with peace, farewell to you. I am here, living in solace.
Solace I have been waiting a lifetime for, and found.
Love, Me.
So why does something someone else do or say make my heart pound and my breath catch and my limbs freeze as I am trapped in a memory of you?
After a few moments I am freed from this grip of the past, and reality comes flowing back with the long, shallow breath I take and I close my eyes to wait for the dizziness to pass, and I wonder; Why does that happen? Am I really over you?
I have my answer a few moments later when breathing is restored to normal, and it doesn't pain to think about you, good times and bad. When it doesn't feel like my heart is being squeezed and wrenched unkindly from its place in my chest. When I'm not stopped in my tracks to bend doubled over from how hard it hurts. No tears come, though they wouldn't have.
And though for a moment I may be sad for what was seemingly lost...I look down the summery road, through the golden sunlit air and tree-lined walk, and watch you smile and hear you laugh and play...and find peace in being able to turn away.
Down my own road, through the tree-lined walk to a single maple tree overlooking a still pond, where grass grows as tall as your knees, and flowers bloom freely but without overabundance, where a single lark can be heard calling out his melody to be answered across the meadow by his friend. Where you can lay out at night and watch the stars glow in the sky as it turns, where you wish on the ones that fall from their places, where you can feel the warm breeze turn cool during the night, and smell the fresh air from a valley away. Where I wait without waiting, breathe without breathing, and grow without knowing. Someday someone will join me. So with peace, farewell to you. I am here, living in solace.
Solace I have been waiting a lifetime for, and found.
Love, Me.
Monday, August 6, 2012
Buckle up, get set, go!
Sometimes when you get on here, it's because you have something on your mind and you just need to spit it out so that it can be sorted and understood a little better. Occasionally there's a story to be told, or an event that needs mentioning.
This time, I don't know why I'm on here, other than just for the joy of blogging.
I did apply for a job as a receptionist at BYU today, in the Ancient Scripture department. We'll see how that goes. :) I helped "cater" a wedding last Saturday, from 10:30am-10:30pm, with a 3 hour break at three when I got to go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I absolutely love it there. The peace that's in there...mmm. I've missed it. Working was fun, too, I was surprised. I kind of like manual labor, as weird as that sounds. Any work can be good, but this was fun. I got there, had some instructions, then they said, "Okay, you're in charge now", and I was...and it was great! I did start to get tired at about 8:30 that evening...and it would have helped to have another worker, but what we had worked well. I have to admit, although humbly, that I think I surprised people there. They thought I was older, so awesome for helping even though I wasn't related (although I did get paid, so it was kind of nice that way, haha), and was surprised that I had been there since that morning and was still going strong and knew where everything went...honestly...I think it was because I enjoyed what I was doing, and had been to the temple. Whatever reason, it was a good experience.
So, yeah. This is a weird post, but it matches me. I'm meeting new friends, keeping up with old ones, and having a good time in between. Life is crazy, life is busy, life is good, life is...life.
School starts in 3 weeks. I'm kind of excited and mostly not ready for summer to be over. I like my summers. :)
Anyhow, there's my update. Ciao,
Love, Me.
This time, I don't know why I'm on here, other than just for the joy of blogging.
I did apply for a job as a receptionist at BYU today, in the Ancient Scripture department. We'll see how that goes. :) I helped "cater" a wedding last Saturday, from 10:30am-10:30pm, with a 3 hour break at three when I got to go to the Mt. Timpanogos Temple. I absolutely love it there. The peace that's in there...mmm. I've missed it. Working was fun, too, I was surprised. I kind of like manual labor, as weird as that sounds. Any work can be good, but this was fun. I got there, had some instructions, then they said, "Okay, you're in charge now", and I was...and it was great! I did start to get tired at about 8:30 that evening...and it would have helped to have another worker, but what we had worked well. I have to admit, although humbly, that I think I surprised people there. They thought I was older, so awesome for helping even though I wasn't related (although I did get paid, so it was kind of nice that way, haha), and was surprised that I had been there since that morning and was still going strong and knew where everything went...honestly...I think it was because I enjoyed what I was doing, and had been to the temple. Whatever reason, it was a good experience.
So, yeah. This is a weird post, but it matches me. I'm meeting new friends, keeping up with old ones, and having a good time in between. Life is crazy, life is busy, life is good, life is...life.
School starts in 3 weeks. I'm kind of excited and mostly not ready for summer to be over. I like my summers. :)
Anyhow, there's my update. Ciao,
Love, Me.
Sunday, July 22, 2012
Countdowns of Excitement
My Twin comes home in two days. Two years nearly conquered with the exception of two days. I am SO EXCITED!!! He'll be in the states on the 24th, and fly into Utah the evening of Sunday the 11th. I want to laugh and cry and jump and dance and tell all the world- My Twin is coming home!!!!!!!!!!!!! :)
Yep. That guy. :)
Also, for anyone wondering, since it's so close to the actual day, there are ten months and three days til Keys gets home.
That guy. Of whom Twin is also in the picture with. ;)
Also, five months and three days until Christmas,
One month and five days until school starts again, :-/
Four days until the combined Single's Stake Swim Party at the Scera where I will party with these guys:
 |
| Cupcake and I at the Mt. Timpanogos Temple |
 |
| Group date- Messy Twister in the Park! |
 |
| Me and Brave |
 |
| Superhero Presidency!!! |
...and more. Excited some? Yes I am.
Oh! Ps. Dad taught me how to drive a motorcycle when we were recently in Idaho. I like it.
 |
| Not in motion...but then the camera wouldn't have been able to focus. ;) |
See you soon....
Love, Me.
Thursday, June 28, 2012
Our great ideas to do...
These all must be accomplished.
-Go on a walk
-Longboarding
-Rollarblading
-Swimming (tanning)
-Bikes
-Write stores (tag team)
-Do cute songs
-Go to the park
-Night games!
-Swim *by river (*I mean in)
-Hide-And-Seek in park
-Secret Service...talk to Jenna
-Lap tag (Cupcake's Idea)
-Ice cream (make ice cream)
-Cookies (make/deliver)
-Movie
-Dance competition
-Cops and Robbers
-Fun stuff at the lake!!!
-Prank calling
-Exercise more
-Stake service project
-Jam session (is this with fruit or guitars?)
-Park
-Dumbster diving (exclusively with Blink) (Ps. I didn't do the spelling on that one)
-Nerf gun war!
-Country Dancing
-Swings in the park
-Late nights in the park
-Frisbee in the park (I think I just want to go to the park)
-Stargazing
-Sleepover on the trampoline
-Get tan
-Be fit
-Rock climbing with D-Bike
-Finger paint/chalk masterpieces
-Puppet shows
-Fun group dates
-Food fight/water fight
-Teach Cupcake to dive
-Learn how to drive motorcycles
-Delicious creations...some from Pintrest
-Cute dress up/fashion shows
-IHOP at 3am
-Awesome pool parties
...More ideas to come, and more to be accomplished!! :)
Love, Me.
-Go on a walk
-Longboarding
-Rollarblading
-Swimming (tanning)
-Bikes
-Write stores (tag team)
-Do cute songs
-Go to the park
-Night games!
-Swim *by river (*I mean in)
-Hide-And-Seek in park
-Secret Service...talk to Jenna
-Lap tag (Cupcake's Idea)
-Ice cream (make ice cream)
-Cookies (make/deliver)
-Movie
-Dance competition
-Cops and Robbers
-Fun stuff at the lake!!!
-Prank calling
-Exercise more
-Stake service project
-Jam session (is this with fruit or guitars?)
-Park
-Dumbster diving (exclusively with Blink) (Ps. I didn't do the spelling on that one)
-Nerf gun war!
-Country Dancing
-Swings in the park
-Late nights in the park
-Frisbee in the park (I think I just want to go to the park)
-Stargazing
-Sleepover on the trampoline
-Get tan
-Be fit
-Rock climbing with D-Bike
-Finger paint/chalk masterpieces
-Puppet shows
-Fun group dates
-Food fight/water fight
-Teach Cupcake to dive
-Learn how to drive motorcycles
-Delicious creations...some from Pintrest
-Cute dress up/fashion shows
-IHOP at 3am
-Awesome pool parties
...More ideas to come, and more to be accomplished!! :)
Love, Me.
Thursday, June 21, 2012
Truths of Life #1
One of the greatest joys in life has got to be a cool glass of juice after a long, hot day.
And if it's guava, mmmm....... :)
Love, Me.
And if it's guava, mmmm....... :)
Love, Me.
Thursday, June 14, 2012
Summer is here!
In the midst of this craziness I call life, I have to stop and tell someone a bit about it. I feel like this is a monthly "catch up" on what's happening, where I rush in, type something up and then rush out. Whether or not that's what really happens, (mostly I'll just not be in the blogging mood), I'm here again, checking in on a rare night that I'm home.
I had my routine cardiology visit last Friday, where mom and I drove up and did some shopping in Draper, got lost, and were almost on time by 7 minutes to my appointment at the Riverton Primary Children's Outpatient clinic. I checked in, filled out an information sheet, and promptly changed into the fantastic hospital gown so the nurse could give me an EKG. 15 sticky electrodes and a blood pressure check later, I'm sitting in my dark room watching the middle of Tangled as I wait for the next technician to come in for my Echocardiogram...but we folk usually shorten it to Echo. An EKG tracks the electric systems in my body, or something like that, it's kind of hard for me to explain, and an Echo is an ultrasound of my heart.
My Echo tech comes in and says the room across the hall has a better monitor, so we transfer all my stuff (and Tangled) over and we have our 40 minute test. This may sound weird, but I actually like Echo's. It's pretty relaxing, I get to watch a movie, and the amazing techs even let me watch their computer screens and show me the stuff they're looking at in my heart. Sometimes, technology is so cool!!
After the Echo, I take my stuff to my third room where my mom meets me from shopping, and my fabulous cardiologist of nearly 6 years comes in. We chat a bit, she listens to my heart, and other than discussing the treadmill exercise test I took last Wednesday (another crazy day) and answering any questions my mom or I have, we say good-bye for another year. By now it's almost 3, and we've (well, I) been at the clinic for two hours now. My nurse comes in again with a 24-hour holter monitor, but this one's new! Only four electrodes (thankfully latex free) instead of seven, and this fancy thing shows my heartbeat!! I was so fascinated!! We finally walked out of the clinic at 3:30, and were on our way back to Draper for some final shopping, then home in the insane traffic, and on our way to drop me off at the Summerfest with Cupcake, since she lives nearby. She and I walked around for a bit, then I went home...but I feel like I went somewhere else, too. Hmm.
Oh. If you're wondering why I had that cardiology visit, I'll tell you. Seven years ago this September I had cardiac arrest and was diagnosed with Myocarditis. A virus settled in my heart causing it to become inflamed, I got really sick...and long story short I'm practically normal today, with the exception of an occasional extra heartbeat, extremely cold hands and feet from poor circulation, and my hair has thinned out and is now half as thick as it used to be. I blogged about it two years back, if you want to read more details click here.
Anyway, that was part of last week. Saturday was super busy with Summerfest stuff, which was fun but also a lot. We watched the fireworks from Cupcake's house, then I went home "early" (like 11pm) because I knew I had to be up early for a 7:00am meeting. Why such a meeting at such a time?
Because I am the newly called Relief Society President in my single's ward.
Say what!?
Yep. I also haven't been released from anything else, so I'm currently also an organist and FHE Co-chair (Well, chair since Co-chair is away being an EFY counselor for the next month). Needless to say, I've felt a bit overwhelmed a few times in the past few weeks. Planning Monday's FHE was so fun though, because Cupcake and I combined our wards, so that was nice to have their help. We did had a lesson on Samuel the Lamanite (and I had a blonde moment/Elder Calhoun experience where I said I knew Samuel was a Lamanite instead of a prophet) ;) life-size Mormon Mario Kart (with cardboard boxes and a "Rainbow Road" chalk course), and an indoor "drive-in" movie where we watched Cars. I would love to do Monday over and over again, it was a lot of fun. :) Thanks for everyone that could be there, it really means a lot.
I took my final exam for Critical Inquiry and Research Methods yesterday. It was a fun class, but I am SO looking forward to summer break!! :) No homework, no class.......just me, summer lessons, a great bucket list, and the sun. (And sunscreen, whenever mom can get me to wear it). This is really the only part of the post that has to do with my title.
11:11.
So yeah. Life has been full lately-- of meetings, life, errands, school, church, friends, stress, ups, downs, and somewhere-in-the-middles. Thank you to everyone who helps make my day a little better whenever they can, it really makes a difference. :)
So, as Truman says, "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya: good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"
Love you all, praying for you, and wishing for the best- keep your chin up, and come home safe.
Love, Me.
 |
| But first, a view from this past week... |
I had my routine cardiology visit last Friday, where mom and I drove up and did some shopping in Draper, got lost, and were almost on time by 7 minutes to my appointment at the Riverton Primary Children's Outpatient clinic. I checked in, filled out an information sheet, and promptly changed into the fantastic hospital gown so the nurse could give me an EKG. 15 sticky electrodes and a blood pressure check later, I'm sitting in my dark room watching the middle of Tangled as I wait for the next technician to come in for my Echocardiogram...but we folk usually shorten it to Echo. An EKG tracks the electric systems in my body, or something like that, it's kind of hard for me to explain, and an Echo is an ultrasound of my heart.
My Echo tech comes in and says the room across the hall has a better monitor, so we transfer all my stuff (and Tangled) over and we have our 40 minute test. This may sound weird, but I actually like Echo's. It's pretty relaxing, I get to watch a movie, and the amazing techs even let me watch their computer screens and show me the stuff they're looking at in my heart. Sometimes, technology is so cool!!
After the Echo, I take my stuff to my third room where my mom meets me from shopping, and my fabulous cardiologist of nearly 6 years comes in. We chat a bit, she listens to my heart, and other than discussing the treadmill exercise test I took last Wednesday (another crazy day) and answering any questions my mom or I have, we say good-bye for another year. By now it's almost 3, and we've (well, I) been at the clinic for two hours now. My nurse comes in again with a 24-hour holter monitor, but this one's new! Only four electrodes (thankfully latex free) instead of seven, and this fancy thing shows my heartbeat!! I was so fascinated!! We finally walked out of the clinic at 3:30, and were on our way back to Draper for some final shopping, then home in the insane traffic, and on our way to drop me off at the Summerfest with Cupcake, since she lives nearby. She and I walked around for a bit, then I went home...but I feel like I went somewhere else, too. Hmm.
 |
| Heart Monitor |
 |
| Watching the parade- so cold! |
Because I am the newly called Relief Society President in my single's ward.
Say what!?
Yep. I also haven't been released from anything else, so I'm currently also an organist and FHE Co-chair (Well, chair since Co-chair is away being an EFY counselor for the next month). Needless to say, I've felt a bit overwhelmed a few times in the past few weeks. Planning Monday's FHE was so fun though, because Cupcake and I combined our wards, so that was nice to have their help. We did had a lesson on Samuel the Lamanite (and I had a blonde moment/Elder Calhoun experience where I said I knew Samuel was a Lamanite instead of a prophet) ;) life-size Mormon Mario Kart (with cardboard boxes and a "Rainbow Road" chalk course), and an indoor "drive-in" movie where we watched Cars. I would love to do Monday over and over again, it was a lot of fun. :) Thanks for everyone that could be there, it really means a lot.
 |
| The general idea of the racetrack... |
 |
| Racing |
 |
| Oh yeah. This is from our FHE mustache party a few weeks ago. I liked the glasses. ;) |
I took my final exam for Critical Inquiry and Research Methods yesterday. It was a fun class, but I am SO looking forward to summer break!! :) No homework, no class.......just me, summer lessons, a great bucket list, and the sun. (And sunscreen, whenever mom can get me to wear it). This is really the only part of the post that has to do with my title.
11:11.
So yeah. Life has been full lately-- of meetings, life, errands, school, church, friends, stress, ups, downs, and somewhere-in-the-middles. Thank you to everyone who helps make my day a little better whenever they can, it really makes a difference. :)
So, as Truman says, "Good morning, and in case I don't see ya: good afternoon, good evening, and good night!"
Love you all, praying for you, and wishing for the best- keep your chin up, and come home safe.
Love, Me.
Sunday, May 13, 2012
Things I've Gained From the Things I've Missed
Have you ever had a toothbrush epiphany moment? One of those times where you're standing there brushing your teeth and look at yourself and suddenly you have a flash of understanding about something? Or my D&C teacher this past semester even talked about sometimes looking at yourself and just feeling like you don't quite measure up, and you think, "Man, I am just worthless". Sometimes situations in life can make you feel that way, and it stinks.
I have had both of those kinds of moments. But right now I want to talk about the epiphany I had about things I've gained from things I've missed.
To start off with, the one most recent. I was thinking about school and Spring Term, which is a lot of what I think about lately. I was thinking about how I didn't get a scholarship for Spring, and how at the time it seemed like a trial and not a blessing. It meant $1,140 for tuition and another couple hundred for books paid from my own pocket, plus saving for Fall and Winter tuition/books. Also, it meant not moving out this summer, as well as postponing the DC/NYC trip. Anyway. It was kind of sad for me. But, I realized that with a scholarship, I'd have to take that other class I'd dropped because it didn't feel right and too much. Because I didn't get a scholarship, I was able to make my schedule more manageable, get a partial refund, and pay only half of what I'd expected. Surprise blessing.
That character changing, somewhat heartbreaking experience a few months ago? I know a bit more of what I want, what I can do, and how to do it. Though it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing, I have traveled, and I believe others have too. The timing has also been impeccable. I just. Yeah. Wow. Blessing.
Not making it into the music program at BYU. At first one may seem to question the blessing here. This is what I wanted to do for years, and I'm pretty good at it, too (I'd like to think so). But- didn't make it. Because I didn't make it, I've been able to do this amazing School of Family Life program that I am completely in love and comfortable with, it's shorter than the 4-5 years I'd spend in the music program, I feel like I can use this to fit my tastes and lifestyle better, instead of forming myself to fit them- no offense, music teachers. But I've been able to see that what you wanted me to be and do is not what I am meant to. For others, yes, your program works. But for me, it won't be happening. Plus, I've had other job offers without completing your degree, and I have my own private teaching studio. Blessing? Yes.
Staying up late tonight to write this while waiting for my sister to come home, then being there to open the door because it's locked and she doesn't have a key. Though tired, something keeps me awake and up here. Blessing? Most definitely.
I'm still working on being grateful for being lonely, on having homework and school and for my arms hurting. I know that compared to the trials of those I know and love, these things are really trivial. But they do pertain to me, and thus are important to me. I can appreciate them and the reasons I can see- to a degree, but I still push those off to the side sometimes because I don't really appreciate having them. I'm working on it, but I think it's going to take a little more time for me to fully face these experiences as blessings.
So I guess the next time you're standing there brushing your teeth, take a moment to reflect and find blessings from your trials. As Cupcake and I have discovered, though it is often easier to wallow in self-pity, it is always better to count our blessings, such as spiritual, physical, emotional and any other growth that has occurred. These things are for our experience and good, right? I can't remember the reference on that one, but I know it's in the scriptures. Understanding and empathy for others. Appreciation for the things we have. Friends. Music. Laughter. Love. The Gospel. :) Mirrors, thoughts and toothbrushes to have these moments. So much to grow from and be grateful for. So much.
By the way, Happy Mother's Day. Love you, mom. :)
Love, Me.
I have had both of those kinds of moments. But right now I want to talk about the epiphany I had about things I've gained from things I've missed.
To start off with, the one most recent. I was thinking about school and Spring Term, which is a lot of what I think about lately. I was thinking about how I didn't get a scholarship for Spring, and how at the time it seemed like a trial and not a blessing. It meant $1,140 for tuition and another couple hundred for books paid from my own pocket, plus saving for Fall and Winter tuition/books. Also, it meant not moving out this summer, as well as postponing the DC/NYC trip. Anyway. It was kind of sad for me. But, I realized that with a scholarship, I'd have to take that other class I'd dropped because it didn't feel right and too much. Because I didn't get a scholarship, I was able to make my schedule more manageable, get a partial refund, and pay only half of what I'd expected. Surprise blessing.
That character changing, somewhat heartbreaking experience a few months ago? I know a bit more of what I want, what I can do, and how to do it. Though it hasn't exactly been smooth sailing, I have traveled, and I believe others have too. The timing has also been impeccable. I just. Yeah. Wow. Blessing.
Not making it into the music program at BYU. At first one may seem to question the blessing here. This is what I wanted to do for years, and I'm pretty good at it, too (I'd like to think so). But- didn't make it. Because I didn't make it, I've been able to do this amazing School of Family Life program that I am completely in love and comfortable with, it's shorter than the 4-5 years I'd spend in the music program, I feel like I can use this to fit my tastes and lifestyle better, instead of forming myself to fit them- no offense, music teachers. But I've been able to see that what you wanted me to be and do is not what I am meant to. For others, yes, your program works. But for me, it won't be happening. Plus, I've had other job offers without completing your degree, and I have my own private teaching studio. Blessing? Yes.
Staying up late tonight to write this while waiting for my sister to come home, then being there to open the door because it's locked and she doesn't have a key. Though tired, something keeps me awake and up here. Blessing? Most definitely.
I'm still working on being grateful for being lonely, on having homework and school and for my arms hurting. I know that compared to the trials of those I know and love, these things are really trivial. But they do pertain to me, and thus are important to me. I can appreciate them and the reasons I can see- to a degree, but I still push those off to the side sometimes because I don't really appreciate having them. I'm working on it, but I think it's going to take a little more time for me to fully face these experiences as blessings.
So I guess the next time you're standing there brushing your teeth, take a moment to reflect and find blessings from your trials. As Cupcake and I have discovered, though it is often easier to wallow in self-pity, it is always better to count our blessings, such as spiritual, physical, emotional and any other growth that has occurred. These things are for our experience and good, right? I can't remember the reference on that one, but I know it's in the scriptures. Understanding and empathy for others. Appreciation for the things we have. Friends. Music. Laughter. Love. The Gospel. :) Mirrors, thoughts and toothbrushes to have these moments. So much to grow from and be grateful for. So much.
By the way, Happy Mother's Day. Love you, mom. :)
Love, Me.
Tuesday, May 1, 2012
An Update...on a Snowless Winter
Life's been full lately. Interesting, good, happy, sad, busy...you name it, it's probably happened or happening. I finished Winter Semester, and am in the middle of my second week of Spring Term. I made the wonderful decision to take SFL 290- Critical Inquiry and Research Methods so I can take all of my other classes in the fall. I'm taking a break from studying for our first unit exam tomorrow, and getting ready for the next one that starts Friday. This class is intense. Fun, but intense.
Anyhow. A little while back my good friend Kayla and I (I haven't come up with an alias for her yet) did a photo-shoot. So. Much. Fun!!! I loved it. Here's some of the pics......I love them all. :)
Thanks Kayla. You're the best. :)
Also, I think I have failed to introduce you to my best friend, Cupcake. (Aka...Becca.) We do pretty much everything together- talk, eat, play, study, talk, adventure, console, congratulate, talk, play...you name it. Here's us after a much needed temple visit before Finals:
Through the good times and the bad, we have each other. We even match outfits and hairdo's without planning! People say they think we could even look related. Funny thing is...we're so different, but so much the same, too. Like that song on Tarzan (You'll be in My Heart)..."we're not that different at all". I love my best friend Becca, she's helped me through SO MUCH this past semester. :)
Way back in January after FHE one night a group of us went and lit lanterns for the Chinese New Year. Oh. My. Wow. Loved it. I absolutely love Tangled, and this was amazing. And the company was fantastic, too. :)
"The Wardies"...thanks guys. :) And my lantern. Sigh.
The Lanterns marked the beginning of a remarkably wonderful and tough time. I suppose they are a representation of letting a part of me grow (and go), and making room for the next stage of learning and growing to come in. Interesting when you get what you wish for. This was at the beginning of the semester, and also the catalyst for Becca and I meeting. I'm kind of going out of order here, and skipping quite a bit, but...all you need to know is that Orem 8th Ward is the coolest Single's Ward you'll ever come across. Commander, Cupcake, "Blink", Co-chair, Zion Sis, Organ Buddy, and everyone else....thank you for the experiences we've shared. You are really the best. :)
One last thing.
For FHE (Ps. I'm a Co-Chair FHE leader. In case you didn't know.) last week we made 1,000 paper cranes.
Yes, 1,000.
That's a lot of paper cranes. That's a lot of folding, hours, and care. We started a couple weeks in advance and had 500 before that night, but still. 500 is a lot! We did it for a friend in our ward that's been very sick. We believe in the Atonement with everything we have, but it was also fun to create a "good luck wish/charm" for him to show how much we care.
The group you see are the faithful that stayed til 10:30 folding. We actually by happy chance ended up with 1,022 paper cranes, and after the efforts of some 40 people, we had this.....
Love it.
Yep. I can hardly believe how fast time is flying, and it is really flying. This has been a brief overview of some of my favorite highlights. I've started a more in-depth post probably 5 times, but I doubt those will ever surface. For now, things are going amiably. I still get lonely at times, still sometimes get frustrated, but those are being outweighed by the times of peace and joy. Also, prayers have been answered.
That's all I can say.
Love you all, I wish you the best whoever and where ever you may be. Truly. A phrase that is shared whenever we feel low (please apply to yourself):
"Chin up, princess (prince). Things'll work out. You need to have your eyes up to see what God wants you to see."
I Seek The Kingdom.
Love, Me.
Anyhow. A little while back my good friend Kayla and I (I haven't come up with an alias for her yet) did a photo-shoot. So. Much. Fun!!! I loved it. Here's some of the pics......I love them all. :)
Thanks Kayla. You're the best. :)
Also, I think I have failed to introduce you to my best friend, Cupcake. (Aka...Becca.) We do pretty much everything together- talk, eat, play, study, talk, adventure, console, congratulate, talk, play...you name it. Here's us after a much needed temple visit before Finals:
 |
| This is pretty much us. :) |
Way back in January after FHE one night a group of us went and lit lanterns for the Chinese New Year. Oh. My. Wow. Loved it. I absolutely love Tangled, and this was amazing. And the company was fantastic, too. :)
The Lanterns marked the beginning of a remarkably wonderful and tough time. I suppose they are a representation of letting a part of me grow (and go), and making room for the next stage of learning and growing to come in. Interesting when you get what you wish for. This was at the beginning of the semester, and also the catalyst for Becca and I meeting. I'm kind of going out of order here, and skipping quite a bit, but...all you need to know is that Orem 8th Ward is the coolest Single's Ward you'll ever come across. Commander, Cupcake, "Blink", Co-chair, Zion Sis, Organ Buddy, and everyone else....thank you for the experiences we've shared. You are really the best. :)
One last thing.
For FHE (Ps. I'm a Co-Chair FHE leader. In case you didn't know.) last week we made 1,000 paper cranes.
Yes, 1,000.
That's a lot of paper cranes. That's a lot of folding, hours, and care. We started a couple weeks in advance and had 500 before that night, but still. 500 is a lot! We did it for a friend in our ward that's been very sick. We believe in the Atonement with everything we have, but it was also fun to create a "good luck wish/charm" for him to show how much we care.
Love it.
Yep. I can hardly believe how fast time is flying, and it is really flying. This has been a brief overview of some of my favorite highlights. I've started a more in-depth post probably 5 times, but I doubt those will ever surface. For now, things are going amiably. I still get lonely at times, still sometimes get frustrated, but those are being outweighed by the times of peace and joy. Also, prayers have been answered.
That's all I can say.
Love you all, I wish you the best whoever and where ever you may be. Truly. A phrase that is shared whenever we feel low (please apply to yourself):
"Chin up, princess (prince). Things'll work out. You need to have your eyes up to see what God wants you to see."
I Seek The Kingdom.
Love, Me.
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